On behalf of the Jacksonville Jaguars, we, the fans, would like to thank you for all of the attention you’ve been showering us with on Twitter lately. Given the soup sandwich of a season the team has had, it really does mean a lot just to know you are thinking about us—even it’s only in an attempt to insult us.
Saying we tanked and don’t deserve the first draft pick? Yep, you’re right. Winning the first game of the season against the Indianapolis Colts was all just a ruse, to divert attention from our diabolical scheme.
Suggesting Trevor Lawrence should go backpacking in Europe or threaten to turn pro in tiddlywinks rather than play for the Jags? H/T to @markkizla for the use of “tiddlywinks.” Just typing it made us chuckle. (By the way, how old are you?)
Referring to the team as the London Jaguars or acting surprised the Jaguars actually have fans? Well, actually, we’re laughing at you wankers for trotting out that tired old material year after unfunny year after still unfunny year.
Then, there’s New York Jets fan @mikeymals who Tweeted an actual list (in case you missed it, he went with numbers instead of bullets) of his gripes about Jacksonville—the team and the city—including, and we quote, “Their pizza sucks.”
The truth of it is, we are just as shocked as you are to be in this position. (Seriously, how in the hell did this happen?) Believe it or not, this is not somewhere we want to be. We would have much preferred vying for a spot in the Super Bowl (yes, it would be our first time … we know) over “winning” the first draft pick, but that’s how the oddly-shaped ball bounces.
So as much as it pains many of you, you’re going to be hearing a lot about the Jaguars in the coming months. In the process, you’ll probably learn a few things about our fair city, too, like how we’re named for a president who never set the toe of one boot in the area (OK, maybe that one’s not so impressive) or that we have 22 miles of beaches, the youngest median age of any city in Florida, world-class museums, more shoreline than any other U.S. city, year-round sunshine and no state income tax. Also, our liquor stores have drive-thru service. (Remind us again real quick why Trevor Lawrence would hate it here?)
Oh! And now we have Urban Meyer as head coach. Couldn’t forget that.
Who knows? You might be so impressed by Jacksonville you consider visiting yourself sometime (to which we say, bless your heart!). If you do come, though, we have some friendly advice (we’re good sports like that). Do not step to our mayor. Lenny Curry may be short in stature, but he will skateboard to wherever you are, whenever you tell him and Tweet about it. We’ll just leave it at that.
So to summarize: 1) we have the first pick of the draft, 2) your Tweets aren’t funny, 3) Jacksonville is cooler than you think, 4) Trevor’s golden mane will look even more glorious in the sun while he sips White Claws—or whatever they drink at Clemson—at a beachfront bar overlooking the Atlantic Ocean, and 5) don’t poke the mayor.
We look forward to the new season and humbly apologize in advance for how good the Jags are going to be for the foreseeable future. Our bad, y’all. :(
P.S. #shutupbitch #DWTD