Carmen Macri
The Dos and Don’ts of Online Dating
Words by Carmen Macri
A few days ago, our office lunch took an unexpected turn when a coworker — freshly single — shared her attempt at diving back into the Jacksonville dating scene via the usual suspects: Hinge, Tinder, Bumble, etc. Her verdict? The dating pool wasn’t just shallow; it was practically a dried-up puddle. Naturally, as a group of women (plus our token male coworker for balance), we had to analyze why dating apps make things look so bleak. The answer was sitting right there in her Notes app — a list titled “Profile Red Flags” with a running tally of instant left-swipe offenses.
This then led to a full group discussion on our own instant swipe-left triggers. And, again, as a group of women (plus our token male), one unanimous dealbreaker stood out: photos of dead animals. Whether it’s a deer, a hog, a duck or some poor unexpecting fish, we don’t need to see it. Save those for the group chat with your buddies — not your future girlfriend. Because honestly, aside from a rare few — and I do mean rare few, what woman looks at a photo of you proudly holding a giant, bloody fish and thinks, Wow, that’s so attractive?
All that being said, I figured why not give my own unsolicited critiques? Have a real Carrie Bradshaw moment? Sex and the Bold City, if you will.
And just like that (get it?), I found myself wondering when will men ever turn to appeal to the female gaze.
It’s really not that complicated. There’s the version of a man before a relationship, and then there’s the version during a relationship — and somehow, they’re two completely different people. (I know this firsthand.) So why can’t men recognize that and put in the effort before they’re in a relationship? If they did, chances are, they wouldn’t be spending so much time endlessly swiping. Anyway, I am getting ahead of myself, the purpose of the article is to showcase the many red flags women look out for when window shopping, so let’s get into that — and remember, I am doing this to help you.
I will lump these into categories for the sake of saving space, for starters, let’s talk about the first photo. The opener. The photo that will either keep you in the running or damn you to an eternity of left swipes. Aside from the previously mentioned fish photo, here are a few things to avoid:
The Dreaded Selfie
The thought of a man pulling out his phone, snapping a photo of himself smoldering into the camera, and thinking “Yeah, this is a good one” then proceeding to post it sends literal chills down my spine. Bonus points for using any sort of Snapchat filter or only showing half of your face in the shot. What are you trying to hide? There are a few exceptions to the no-selfie rule — like if there’s a living, breathing animal in the shot or if the selfie is intentionally silly. Girls love funny guys.
Mirror Pics
Mirror pics are for the girls and the girls only. What are you doing trying to stunt in your grandmother’s bathroom with the toilet in full view? Oh, you went to the gym? Thank God you documented it for the hundreds of unsuspecting women on the app. Look, if you want to show off your physique, by all means — go for it. Just maybe do it with a little finesse? A beach pic? A hiking shot? Literally anything besides flexing so hard in the Planet Fitness weight section that your forehead vein looks like it’s fighting for its life. Someone sound the Lunk Alarm.
Group Photos
A group photo on your profile is a solid move — it proves you have friends and, more importantly, gives us a chance to scope out if any of them are cuter (strictly for our friends, of course). Having a group shot as your first photo though is a risky move. First, how are we supposed to know which one is you? And second, what if we’re secretly hoping you’re the tall, dark and handsome one — only to find out you’re actually the short king in the back? Extra points if all of your photos are group photos. I am not an FBI agent. I am not going to compare and contrast each photo to see who is the repeat offender. We don’t want to work that hard for a mediocre date.
Skinny Jeans
I feel like this goes without saying, but for the sake of the story, I’ll spell it out: two words—jail time. Your pants should not be tighter than mine. I should not be able to gauge the circumference of your ankles at first glance. Skinny jeans are a crime against humanity — on men and women alike (sorry, millennials). No exceptions. If your first photo features you proudly sporting acid wash skinny jeans, I’m closing the app, taking seven seconds of silence and launching my phone across the room. Hope you’re ready to cover my replacement.
If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! You’ve survived the first photo test, and now we’re diving into the real substance of the profile — your prompts, dating preferences and the rest of your carefully curated photo selection. This is where things get interesting. The number of times I liked what I saw until I got to the halfway mark and had to inevitably swipe left. You’re not having fun? Yeah, well neither are we.
The Prompts
“How I fight the Sunday scaries… A cold beer.” Yawn. Snooze. Next. Listen, I want to hear how you’re clawing your way back to life after a Saturday night that left you questioning your choices. Give me the gritty details—are you mainlining Pedialyte? Eating an entire loaf of bread in bed? Bargaining with a higher power to never take another shot of tequila? That’s what I want to know. This is your moment to shine, to let that sparkling personality do some heavy lifting. A cold beer? Groundbreaking. Never been done before. Instead, hit me with something fun—like, I don’t know, “Being berated by a stunning woman?” Now we’re talking. I am a stunning woman, and I would love to berate you. Voice memos—much like selfies—should be reserved exclusively for jokes. If you’re using one to earnestly answer a prompt, just know there’s a 100% chance it’s getting screen-recorded and sent to a group chat where you will be relentlessly clowned. Not a single soul is listening to a 27-second monologue about your “ideal Sunday.” Now, if you want to use a voice memo correctly? Take notes. A+ execution would be responding to the “How to pronounce my name” prompt when your name is Ben. Or Rob. Or literally anything that no one has ever struggled to pronounce in the history of language. That’s the kind of energy we respect.
Dating Preferences
This one is tricky because of course, we love honesty, but if you are at the ripe age of 35 and have your dating preference set to “still figuring it out” or “looking for a short-term relationship.” Buddy, your hairline is not waiting around for you to “figure it out.” The clock is ticking.
Other Photos
Unless it’s blatantly obvious that the woman in the photo is your mom or your identical twin, let’s skip the pics with other girls (group shots excluded). Are we just supposed to assume that’s your cousin? Your sister? Because in our minds, she’s either an ex… or worse—a “girl best friend.” And before anyone gets defensive, yes, men and women can be just friends, but if she’s prettier than me, I can only assume you’re secretly in love with her, she friend-zoned you and you’ve been playing the long game ever since. If you have a non-person photo, the only exception is if it’s a very alive furry friend or a unique place you’ve traveled to. If you have a photo of a beat-up, tinted-out Nissan Altima… I just audibly sighed. We don’t need to see your ride. This isn’t MTV. If you are wearing either a hat or sunglasses in every single one of your photos, we can only assume you are an undercover hatfish. And no, I will not go into further detail. Connect the dots on your own.
Let me just throw in a quick disclaimer — this is purely based on the opinions of me and my very single, very cynical friends. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, of course, and what doesn’t work for us, may be someone else’s bread and butter. I’m only offering my unsolicited critiques because, well… technically, it’s my job.
Hope this helps!
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