Ambar Ramirez Carmen Macri
Words by Carmen Macri and Ambar Ramirez
Carmen: Did you know that Florida is one of the most gullible states? The most, actually. According to a recent study done by Oddspedia, Florida residents are some of the most diehard conspiracy theorists – whether we are the ones coming up with it, or just blindly believing everything we hear. As Ricky Bobby once said, “If you’re not first, you’re last.”
Ambar: It really should come as no surprise that the state that famously gave birth to“Florida Man” was ranked as having the most conspiracy theory-believing residents, and it shouldn’t be a surprise that I myself am a die-hard conspiracy theorist.
Carmen: Are you talking about the time you swore up and down that you saw dozens of UFOs during cheer practice?
Ambar: So that’s not a conspiracy theor,y but a true retelling of something that happened to me. But anyway, that’s old news. I think everyone, by now, knows aliens are real.
Carmen: The government really just threw us a bone in hopes of distracting us with whatever was going on last year.
Ambar: And it clearly worked.
Carmen: Well, we’ve already talked about infamous conspiracy theories in this column, so we thought it would be fun to talk about Florida-specific conspiracy theories. It was Ambar’s idea if you couldn’t tell.
Ambar: If you are a born and raised Floridian, chances are you’ve heard of Disney on Ice. And no I’m not talking about the ice skating show the company puts on. I’m talking about the famous conspiracy theory that when Walt Disney died, his body was frozen in a cryonic chamber and placed somewhere in the parks in hopes that we would be able to revive him at a later date.
Carmen: You’re telling me that’s not true? I thought that was 100% fact…
Ambar: You and me both. And we aren’t the only ones to think this theory was the stone-cold truth (buh-dum-tst). The theory started back in 1967 when a reporter for “The National Spotlite” claimed he snuck into the hospital where Walt Disney was being treated and saw with his own eyes Disney being submerged into a cryogenic metal chamber. From then on, more magazines, tabloids and Disney employees fed the rumor by stating in articles that Walt Disney would thaw out by 1975. Maybe they were just dealing with the loss of one of the most creative icons of our time, but with Walt Disney’s Carousel of Progress ride, it wasn’t the most far-fetched idea.
Carmen: So where did Walt actually go?
Ambar: Unfortunately, this rumor has an ironic ending as records were released proving that Walt Disney was, in fact, cremated two days after his death.
Carmen: Ever wonder why Florida is the hurricane capital of the states? Surely it has nothing to do with its geographic location as a peninsula or the temperature of the ocean mixing with the temperature and humidity of the air. No, that’s not it. How about FEMA manipulating weather to increase the severity of a hurricane: That’s more like it.
Ambar: I can vouch that I’ve seen those “chemtrails” and noticed a change in the air afterward.
Carmen: This conspiracy gained major traction after Florida was hit with two powerful hurricanes back to back last year. And because Trump permanently disproved any scientific evidence of global warming and the dangerous effects it would have, the only other logical explanation for these hurricanes is governmental foul play. While some people did believe it was a freak coincidence, a vocal minority remained skeptical, proposing that the hurricanes were engineered, that Florida’s weather was being manipulated, or even that it was targeted at Republican voters.
Ambar: I honestly wouldn’t put it past the government.
Carmen: The so-called “weather manipulation” is linked to “chemtrails” seen trailing behind planes. In reality? It’s just water vapor — plain and simple. Just condensation.
Ambar: Is it really just water vapor, or is that just what they want us to believe? It wouldn’t be the first time the government spun a narrative to keep us distracted from the truth. Which brings me to a newer conspiracy theory — rumor has it the government was hiding 8-foot-tall aliens in a Miami mall.
Carmen: Do you by any chance enjoy listening to Alex Jones?
Ambar: … I have no idea who that is.
Carmen: Interesting… I think you could enjoy his content. Anyway, carry on with the 8-foot-tall aliens.
Ambar: This theory was sparked back in January of last year when TikTok was flooded with videos of a bunch of cop cars and policemen being seen outside Bayside Marketplace in downtown Miami. Why else would there be a bunch of cops outside a mall?
Carmen: Should I look up Miami’s crime rating, or are we rocking with the aliens?
Ambar: In one of the videos, viewers claimed to see a tall, dark figure standing outside the mall. But considering the footage was filmed from a distance, zoomed in to the max and had that classic Android camera quality, I can’t blame anyone for thinking they saw an alien. Alas, the real reason the cops were there wasn’t nearly as exciting — just another fight breaking out between some teenagers.
Carmen: Ah, I was really hoping we had our own Area 51.
Ambar: We honestly might because this isn’t the first time an unknown creature has been “seen” in our Sunshine State.
Carmen: It’s more local than that. We’re talking about good ol’ Johnnie, the St. Johns River monster. According to Simon Smith, a keeper of snakes and lizards and an “amateur cryptozoologist,” the earliest known mention of Johnnie in a mainstream newspaper dates back to 1849. He has a clipping, but it’s from the “Franklin Daily Journal” in Indiana, published on Oct. 8, 1970. That day’s “The Way Things Used to Be” column by Verne Vandivier — ostensibly about the Loch Ness Monster — references “a monster of the deep” reported by Captain Adams of a Florida schooner called Lucy and Nancy. Quoting a story from “The Examiner,” the “Franklin Daily Journal” recounts Adams’ account from Feb. 18, 1849, at the mouth of the St. Johns River, where he and his crew were captivated by “an immense sea monster which he took to be a serpent.”
Ambar: What we really should talk about is the misgendering of our hypothetical beast. According to Smith, Johnnie is a she which we would obviously know if we knew anything about marine science…silly us.
Carmen: We’ve been misgendering her all this time? My sincere condolences, … Jonie? Back to business, in 1847 citizens of Jacksonville vouched fully for Adams’ character, claiming if he saw it, then they believed it. In 1953, “The Orlando Sentinel” put a bounty on sweet Jonie’s (?) head.
Ambar: A bounty of about $5,000 which would be close to $50,000 today. Money makes people do crazy things, but I don’t think anybody was crazy enough to hunt down this mythical river monster. Still, throughout the years, there were many reports of a “beast that swims like a fish and walks like a dog” between Orlando and Jacksonville.
Carmen: So technically speaking, this conspiracy hasn’t really been disproven.
Ambar: The last reported sighting of our beloved Jonie was back in 1975, but in our hearts, she is still swimming somewhere out in our rivers undisturbed.
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