FOLIO
Words by Waverly Loyd
Some things just write themselves.
But this got me thinking… everyone has their guilty pleasure movies. Their “hear me out” movies. These are movies that in the cinephile world, you know you would get a 60-second head start after confessing your love for them.
Seriously though, why are most movie reviewers pretentious a*sholes? Y’all remind me of Anton Ego from “Ratatouille.” When’s the last time you watched “Kung Fu Panda” and experienced childlike wonder and whimsy? It’s OK to put away Nolan for a bit. It is because of people like YOU that “Emilia Pérez” won four Golden Globes. I know that’s no one’s fault but the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, but I just needed to project for a second because WTF was that about?)
Anyway, when he showed me “A Good Man” with the premise that it’s his “favorite movie ever,” I was ready to discover a hidden gem. Wrong-o! There is literally a scene where the soldiers are staking out a terrorist and one of them says, “Do you think he gets more pu*sy than Osama Bin Laden?” And after that Steven Seagal, who looks like someone drew Dave Bautista from memory, asks a 5-year-old old girl “what’s happenin’?” when he meets her. So, while I sat through an hour and 40 minutes of this, I began to think to myself: What are some movies that I love that other people would hear and at once discredit me as a worthy film critic? Let us discuss.
Valerian and The City of a Thousand Planets (2017)
Vyvanse fans! Listen up. This movie is for you.
David Bowie’s song “Space Oddity” opens up this movie, and a space oddity this one is. This movie is absolutely bonkers. I swear one time I took five tabs of acid and experienced this same exact thing. I need you guys to look up this movie and go to the 17 min 55 second mark… that little scene perfectly encapsulates the tone of this film. If you ever hear me, say “where’s the band?” now you know. Someone asked filmmaker Luc Besson, “So what ideas do you have for this movie?” And he said, “Yes.” If you want something that feels like pure chaos this is for you. This movie has never known peace. And I don’t think Besson has ever known peace. We are talking about the man who created “The Fifth Element” which is the definition of camp and has remained a cult classic to this day. Besson has a talent for creating the most immersive and imaginative space operas to exist. His worlds feel so lived in and tangible and you just stare at the screen wishing how badly you could be there.
And can I just say how alien-positive this movie is. I mean, think of every space invasion movie and you immediately think of the end of the world, people running around screaming and crying. Please don’t even get me started on E.T. If I never have to watch E.T.-running-through-the-woods-in-the-middle-of-the-night-POV, screaming “eeeeeeeee!” it’ll be too soon. But in this, humans send out an intergalactic message for a meet & greet, aliens show up, aliens & humans dap each other up. Boom. All living in perfect harmony. They all congregate on this planet called Alpha, A.K.A., the city of a thousand planets. Alpha is home to 30 million beings, made up of 3,236 species and over 5,000 languages spoken. Think Zootopia but set in outer space. This movie has an average 2.7 stars on Letterboxd. For those of you who don’t use the app and aren’t familiar with the ratings, the highest you can give a movie is 5 stars. Anything under a 3 is pretty bad. And I cannot agree with this. If this movie has no fans I have died. This is one of the most fantastic movies I have ever seen. With the most vibrant worlds that are so aesthetically pleasing and creative you just stare at the screen in awe. This movie is pure FUN. I feel like this was made by someone who absolutely loves fantasy and creating other worlds. It’s over the top and silly and colorful. The cast feels so random and surprising. It’s as if Besson sent out a mass text to every actor in Hollywood and whoever showed up was hired. We have Cara Delevingne and Dane DeHaan as our intergalactic space agents. Famous super model and a dude who has… butter voice? I have never seen a person’s face match their voice less than his. The voice coming out of that little guy is so jarring. It’s like when Austin butler “forgot” what his own voice sounded like and could only talk like Elvis Presley. Then we have John Goodman who is the voice of a thug alien who is a dupe for Jaba the Hut. Ethan Hawke plays a cyberpunk pimp named Jolly. And y’all even RIHANNA is here. She plays a shape-shifting alien named Bubble. Come on.
One of the most memorable scenes takes place in the beginning of the movie where we watch Princess Lïhío-Minaa go through her morning. Their species is called The Pearls, and they live on the planet Mul where they spend their days harvesting pearls (their energy source,) and frolicking. Their houses are made from conch shells, their water is clearer than any you’ve ever seen. This entire scene is so aesthetically pleasing, I froth at the mouth every time it comes on. And then there’s another planet that you can only see and interact with when you’re wearing the proper gear that allows you to see into the dimension that that world exists in. Valerian and Laureline are sent to this planet with the task of intercepting a deal taking place with our Jaba dupe (voiced by john Goodman) and two of the Pearls. The Pearls home planet, Mul, was destroyed and they are trying to create their home again and need a Mul converter to do so. These lil guys are so neat. You feed it anything you want, and it makes a perfect, authentic copy. By the hundreds. What would be the first thing you would feed one if you had the chance? Mine would be a Black Ice Fume. Anyways. They intercept the deal and head to Planet Alpha to bring the converter to the minister. Yay.
Let’s briefly discuss costume design: The Fifth Element’s costume design was futuristic, revolutionary, and as impractical as it was cute. Jean-Paul Gaultier cooked. Those are still the c*ntiest McDonald’s uniforms I’ve ever seen. Unlike Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets, where those outfits looked like when you let your 6-year-old dress themselves, and they wear last years Halloween Costume and a fur coat with two different pairs of left shoes. But that’s emo mugs about that. Not everyone is Bruce Willis and can pull off a neon orange mesh tank top.
About halfway through the movie, Valerian runs into some trouble so Laureline seeks answers to his whereabouts by putting a huge jelly fish over her head because somehow putting your head in a jellyfishes a** solves all your problems but I’m still broke so? You can only leave them on your head for 60 seconds or you’ll fry your brain and die. It’s like every quirky thing you could ask of, this movie has it. And I truly don’t know why it was received so poorly. Especially because everyone loves the Fifth Element and this is so similar to that. It could be because the movie is too campy so it comes off as cringey to the majority of people. But I think this is truly a phenomenal movie. It is vibrant, mesmerizing, and captivating. We are put on an intergalactic quest with the most unique species. It’s creative and over the top ridiculous. For example, when we first meet Bubble (Rihanna) she’s a shape-shifting burlesque dancer and yes, we get to see her perform, which is the closest any of us have gotten to a concert of hers since 2016.
So yes, this movie is cheesy and silly but it’s also so unexpected. This movie is really the definition of never let them know your next move and I think that that is what made this movie so enjoyable because you’re dazzled by all the beautiful colors and the worlds and there’s just an overall happy and exciting tone to this story. Yes, it’s silly but it’s good to be silly sometimes. Not every movie needs to be an Oscar worthy title to be good. Some have Ethan Hawke in a leather vest wearing eyeliner and Rihanna playing a blue blob with tentacles and that is okay! There’s a lid for every pot.
Five Feet Apart (2019)
“I never understood the importance of his touch until I couldn’t have it.”
Two guys chillin’ in a hot tub, five feet apart because they’re not- oh, sorry. Two different things. One of these is cinema and the other is a 1 hour and 57-minute-long movie about two of the most angst-addled teens you’ll ever see. But I watch and cry every time. I once showed this to a group of my friends for our Movie Night. These movie nights were serious business and the only time you ever saw a room full of quiet women. So, I picked this movie to show everyone and you guys. I haven’t been clowned on like that in all my life. I was humiliated. It was almost as bad as when I made my family sit down and watch Hereditary because it was the scariest movie I had ever seen and when it was over they were confused and bored and one of them had fallen asleep. Nothing worse than showing someone something you think is cool and their suspicions about you become confirmed. Haunting. I just got full body chills thinking about that.
Unfortunately, I think Cole Sprouse gives us all the ick. I look at him and just start thinking, “I’m weird. I’m a weirdo. I don’t fit in, and I don’t want to fit in.” Cole Sprouse really does play the most pick-me characters in every role he’s in. He bodies the emo male that’s a loner, a weirdo who is just misunderstood, and too cool to feel emotions but secretly want to. Will is your typical nihilistic, angsty teen who knows he has a terminal illness and therefore sees no point in life. Then we have Stella (Hailey Lu Richardson), an optimist who follows all the rules, and believes that there will be a cure for their disease, one day. So, we have the cliché trope where Stella’s warmth thaws the coldness in Will’s heart. And I eat it up y’all!!! I think many of us love forbidden romances, where you know they can never be together, but you still want them to be. You know tragedy is coming but you still want to pretend like there can be a happy ending.
I love when directors find unique ways to explain things to the audience without it being painfully obvious that that is their intention. In Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part One, Harry asks what “the trace” is but how incredibly unbelievable. You’re telling me he made it through seven years of the wizarding world and never learned that the Ministry of Magic monitors underage uses of magic? Please. However, the way we learn about their illness is through Stella’s YouTube channel. I’m not always a fan of social media in movies, but I feel this was done in a way that feels more intimate and authentic, while also learning about Stella’s personality, and her own experiences in life that will become important later on.
This is certainly your classic teenage romance. All of the cheesy one liners that would’ve had us in a chokehold in middle school, all the unrealistic ways in which these very sick teenagers somehow are able to sneak around all over this hospital at all hours of the night… There is a scene where Stella and Will go on a date and somehow sneak off by themselves to go swimming in the hospitals pool. And another where they hijack the kitchens and host a dinner party for all of Will’s friends for his birthday. And another where Will pimps out his hospital bed to his friends (not patients, just visiting him) so they can have sex. Tactless place to get horny if you ask me.
Stella’s best friend Poe, played by Moisés Arias, also has Cystic Fibrosis and their friendship melts my heart. Poe is so adorable and he’s the comedic relief we need in such a depressing film. And such an important part of Stella’s life. He knows her better than most and only wants what is best for her. His role is to further Stella’s development, so we know where this is going… And when it happens, it is so painful. “He’s my best friend and I never got to hug him.” And that is a major theme of this movie. The unbearable weight of proximity when you are denied touch. Humans need touch like we need air to breathe. And so many of us take that for granted.
At all turns we are reminded of their illness and how it will always keep them five feet apart. Every time there is a happy moment, there is also an underlying current of sadness as well. During the scene that Stella organizes a surprise birthday party for Will, everyone hugs except they can’t hug each other. When he’s about to blow out his candles on his birthday cake, he remembers he can’t, or Stella and Poe won’t be able to eat it. When they take a group photo, they are standing on opposite ends of the frame. It’s little moments that are specifically orchestrated to remind us of the space that will always keep them apart. And to remind the viewer to be grateful for the simple ability to touch and hold the one you love.
All that being said, I do understand why this movie isn’t very popular. And it’s mainly because of Cole Sprouse and all the cheesy one liners. And genuinely feel this would’ve been better received if Sprouse wasn’t in it. This movie is heart warming and emotional and yes, it’s cliché. Yes, you will cry. But I don’t know, I love the underlying message of this movie which is the importance of human contact and touch and how as humans we crave community and connection and to have that taken away is probably one of the most painful things a person could experience. I think that this movie is very heart warming and touching and it leaves you feeling gratitude for your own health and appreciating the things we take for granted, as simple as being able to hug your closest friends and family. “Health is a crown on a man’s head that only the sick can see.”
We know from the beginning that their love is doomed to fail. We know they will never be together without endangering the other. But we don’t want that to accept that. It’s so unfair and cruel that the universe brought them together, made them fall in love, and then denied them of each other. And after all, it is a movie, so they could’ve chosen an unrealistic ending where they ended up happy together. Instead, Stella finds out she is getting a new pair of lungs. But she doesn’t want them because she knows it means her and Will can’t be together. Is this scene overly dramatic? Yes, but young love is always like that and I think we can all agree we would’ve felt that same way about our first love. Will makes what I can imagine to be the most difficult decision of his life thus far, by deciding to leave her so she can stay safe and healthy.
This movie is so beautiful and reminds us of the importance of connection and belonging and intimacy. For fans of The Fault in Our Stars, who want to watch something similar but not nearly as good but still great, this is for you.
The Little Mermaid: Live Action (2023)
Yes so, this one is going to be extremely controversial. I’ve accepted it and that’s okay that you don’t agree. My mom said not everyone will like me but she loves me and that’s what matters most! Alright so here goes: I prefer the live action over the original animated one. I understand how blasphemous this is to say. Trust, I am very much over all of these remakes of Disney movies. I understand the concept is so the new generation has their versions in a quality they enjoy so that way these movies can continue to be passed down from generation to generation and stand the test of time. I get it, and, I don’t love it. Most of the remakes are either sub par or just plain bad. I’m looking at you, Mulan. That is 2 hr 45mins I will never get back. My bi king, Shang, was booted AND no Mushu? Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow! God that movie sucked.
BUT. The live action Little Mermaid is perfect and yes, better than the original. I saw this 5 times in theaters y’all:/ I am not proud of that. I mean that is just greedy. So sinful. I paid over $50 to see the same movie repeatedly. Really pathetic. I could have done so much more with my time like donate to charity or pick up a hobby. I swear I have soul ties to this movie. Rough day at work? Watched. Couldn’t sleep? Watched. Having a great day? I know what will make it better. And the soundtrack. Don’t get me started. This was my most played album on my Spotify Wrapped and Part of Your World by Halle Bailey was my most played song. Am I embarrassed by this? Yes. I might be crazy, but I am free and that’s the difference between you and me. Also, that rhymed. I just started spitting bars there for a sec. Anyways this movie is awesome. The fact that King Triton is played by Javier Bardem? Awesome. Awkwafina as scuttle? Awesome. Ariel having locs? Awesome. Prince Eric? HOT. Also, I think what I love so much about this movie is that it adds onto the original story but in a way that makes it better and more interesting.
I also love the new songs. “For The First Time” has such a fun and inquisitive tone to it, and it really emphasizes the shock of her being on land for the first time and the childlike wonder she experiences. Prince Eric getting his own solo in Uncharted Waters? PLEASE bring back men who yearn like that. Scuttle butt?! Don’t play around Lin Manuel Miranda. As soon as I heard that song I started thinking, “how does a bastard, orphan, son of a whore, and a Scottsman….” I know Lin’s flow when I hear it. I thought I could smell something cooking in the theater, but it was just Lins bars. Also, Halle’s voice is incredible and beautiful. And she did so well in this role. Her voice is so strong and clear and she has such a natural princess quality to her. And, her and Eric’s chemistry is unmatched. You cannot tell me they don’t currently live together with 4 kids and their 10th year anniversary coming up. They’re soulmates.
It is also so important for me to mention that in the scene where Ariel is walking around the markets and exploring them, a lady offers her a sample and gives her a fork to use, which Ariel proceeds to use as a dinglehopper. The woman handing her the dinglehopper is none other than Jodi Benson, the original voice of Ariel, so, this scene serves as a kind of Easter, and it represents Jodi handing over the mantle to Halle.
I love how they chose to utilize Ariel’s loss of voice for such a huge chunk of the movie and I love the scene where she’s singing, in her mind, and Eric is about to come and see her and she’s excited because she can’t wait for him to recognize her and the way they overlay her singing with the current form of her that is mute was a really beautiful moment and I found it very creative.
There are still some goofy scenes in this movie of course. I think the most talked about one is when she’s singing “Part of Your World: Reprise,” and she starts crawling up that damn rock like a roach. This poor girl is shaking so bad because she was clearly freezing during that shot. Because of how uncomfortable that scene is, rather than conveying the message of the yearning Ariel feels for Prince Eric, it actually feels instead like watching Joe from You plot from afar. She really looks like she has evil intentions there. It makes me giggle every time. I love this movie in every way possible. It is my comfort and brings me peace and tranquility and is a rare Disney reboot that, I think, did an excellent job.
Trying to find examples of my unpopular movie opinions was difficult because I have such good taste. But I hope that through these reviews you feel inspired to watch these movies for the first time or watch them again in a different light. Do I think I’m a credible movie critic that should be taken seriously? No. But I think I can say that I speak for the people who watch movies just to enjoy them without the intention to analyze every frame. You don’t always have to be looking for the next Best Picture. Movies are meant to be entertainment and give us a break from our reality. Don’t ever feel ashamed of your favorite movies.
Unless it is the Emoji Movie. You should definitely feel shame over that.
See you next time.
Follow FOLIO!