Words and Photos by Amiyah Golden
Love (and confusion) is in the air this holiday season — with boxes full of chocolate (and delusion), flower bouquets (and deceit), and kisses being given as gifts this Valentine’s Day.
Themed “V-Day” candies with the phrasing “Be mine,” “I love you,” and … “Be my secret” are engraved on the background of colorful heart-shaped sweetness, although the sentiment is awfully bitter.
The infamous one-day celebration that is made for lovers (and the joy of the capitalist) has made its orbit around the sun yet again with you either lingering in anticipation, at the joy of celebrating your lover — or you existing in the empire of unease as you wonder if your “situationship” is finally going to promote you to the exclusive title of being their partner. The lack of clarification the last six months has really put a damper on the initial promises they made amid the honeymoon phase — where feelings were adamant and euphoric.
These acts of passion — the constant reassurance, the time spent together, the inside jokes you both shared — led to the deep smile lines that formed on your face, which seemingly began to fade. You’re slightly puzzled as your feelings were (and always have been) true, so you knew this all couldn’t be a calculated facade of emotions…
Right?
It’s a thought you brush away quickly but a possibility that you can’t shake as you have knowingly (but inadvertently) committed yourself to a non-committed relationship that has all the perks of a partnership … but without the emotional stability or explicit boundaries that typically come when you sign the covenant of devotion. But you didn’t sign up for that one but signed a contract that comes with commitment issues.
A situationship.
If you’re not chronically bound to the epilogue of the internet or the cesspool that is modern day dating, you may not even understand what I’m referencing and are likely to have questions as to what this romantic sensation is.
In the “Women’s Health” article, “Being In A Situationship Has Its Pros and Cons: Here’s What To Do If You’re In One, Per Experts,” Jess Carbino defines it as “a romantic relationship that lacks commitment and the associated norms and expectations.”
As a dating and relationship sociologist, Carbino has worked directly with popular dating apps, such as Tinder and Bumble, and has had a direct insight into present-day dating, as she has led the research for both and organized hundreds of focus groups around the world, grasping for direct motivations for seekers and those who desire to be sought-after.
My initial thoughts when hearing about this term were that it was simply the contemporary of a “friends with benefits” pact. But after much investigation and testimonies from friends and peers, I’ve got to say it’s something a bit more sinister than your typical exchange of coitus with a few laughs and a handshake at the end.
In many cases, a situationship is formed with the belief (by at least one of the parties involved) that this connection will end in a monogamous relationship because it is fueled by sweet-nothings, dishonest vows and a prolonged period of involvement with each other.
It’s kind of like dangling a carrot in front of a starving rabbit with no intent to feed it… and that would get PETA called on you… so why would you do that to another human?
I digress.
I also must note that this practice is completely different from your casual dating experience, and it’s also separate from the latter, where the line in the sand is undoubtedly drawn and no confusion exists between two consenting adults.
The parallel in these two scenarios is that the communication is effective and unambiguous off the bat. In a situationship, the dynamic is often unbalanced and rooted in self-righteous aims that come at no expense to the beneficiary.
A poll conducted by YouGov last year revealed half of Americans who are between the ages of 18 to 34 have classified themselves as being in a situationship:
“Seeing how these situationships begin, the survey highlights diverse routes. More than half of situationships began in person (55%). However, the role of digital platforms is also significant, with social media acting as a catalyst in 17% of situationships,” according to the YouGov website. “The survey underscores the evolving landscape of relationships among U.S. adults, with situationships emerging as a notable trend, especially among younger demographics. While in-person interactions remain the predominant way these relationships begin, the influence of digital platforms is undeniable.”
Certainly, social media has significantly impacted courting today, but I wouldn’t be too quick to deem it as the “antichrist” when it comes to entanglements, as this deterioration is simply a reflection of the conglomerate of prospects.
In the Women’s Health article, Carbino, who wrote her dissertation on dating in the 21st century, shines the bat signal to those who may be unaware that they’re even in this covenant.
“One of the cardinal signs of a situationship is that… the person is not integrated into other social relationships, i.e. friends and family,” said Carbino.
I know this statement may have stung for some, but are you really telling me it’s been eight months and none of their friends or family know you even exist?
(And you weren’t even a tad suspicious?)
Cambino also notes, “Longer situationships are often not very promising because it often signifies a lack of desire of at least one party to move the relationship into a different, more committed state.”
This is just one of the first red flags of many, as Saba Harouni Lurie, a licensed marriage and family therapist, added, “If you find out that your significant other is romantically or sexually involved with other people — and you’re surprised by this information — you might be in a situationship. Even within a couple that practices ethical non-monogamy, ideally, there would be clear and defined boundaries in place so that all parties stay informed and can consent to the boundaries of the relationship.”
Premeditated lapses in communication and constant goal-post shifts in expectancy contribute to the collapse of these flimsy arrangements.
These are just some of the messes that can come along with this disproportionate affair, that even Bounty may have trouble picking up.
Even my current binge of “Sex in the City” (which aired over 25 years ago) has shown me that this enigma isn’t exclusive to the present day, as Carrie and Mr. Big were the poster children for it.
The normalization of these breaches in intimacy isn’t foreign; it has just been exacerbated by real stories, in real time, by real people, who coined a term that’s catchy and relatable.
The 10-minute-long “Get Ready With Me” videos and bedside rants on TIkTok and Instagram, also offer a diverse perspective on the lives of strangers who also fell victim to the confines of a situationship — with viewers’ trauma bonding throughout the comments about their shared betrayal.
(We may be a divisive country, but heartbreak is unfortunately one thing we all seem to relate to.)
If you’ve read the entirety of this article and you’re actively in a situationship (that is mutually beneficial for both of you), pay no mind to my chastisement. My prudence comes from witnessing shedded tears and faded smiles from friends and the lack of firm boundaries. This wasn’t written to condemn anyone — except the people who enjoy contributing to shattered hearts with no remorse — but to empower the people out there who are constantly caught in a crossfire of mixed signals and manipulation.
It’s a New Year, and we’re two months in; it’s never too late to drop that dead weight.
“DUMP THEM!”
This year, I really want you to release yourself from the shackles of the “what ifs” and the chronic confusion that comes with that one specific person that everyone has told you (for ages) to “let go.”
Happy Valentine’s Day, lovers!
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