Words by Amiyah Golden
I’m a gaslighter.
Or that’s what I’ve been labeled as before during an exchange of discourse that ended with a necessary rebuttal on my end. The engagement was civil and filled with moments of laughter wedged in between — and this wasn’t the first time the Scarlet “G” letter had been stamped on me by this individual — but I was starting to get peeved as this utterance wasn’t just a comeback to get under my skin but a way to scapegoat accountability on their end. (And this was after I finally found the voice to effectively communicate my feelings, which was no easy feat) But again my sentiments were overshadowed by blame and this pronouncement of being a manipulator, which is the nature of the implications being made. I knew this title wasn’t applicable to me but my own inquiry arose from a place of genuine curiosity on how I could “fix” this point of contention. It was pertinent that I “right my wrongs” as being offensive was never a part of my agenda, but when searching for a solution that extinguished dispositions of hurt, the culprit was never identified, only blurbs of insults hurled behind “therapy-talk.”
The initial introduction of the term came from me, as it was once used in a conversation prior with the intention of communicating a pattern of behavior I saw that affected me negatively. It was never used as a leverage for power or to disparage the spirit of someone but as a way to convey the build up of emotions that were brought up in conjunction to this person and their actions.
Working through my relationship with my own empathy has made confrontation tough as I always felt immense guilt for expressing my realized emotions. I value the validity of one’s feelings — as well as my own, while acknowledging that I’m never above being held liable — but when cardinal conversations are had and false attributions are placed for the sake of waging dominance, it waters down the denotation of these words.
My familiarity with these expressions come from the work I’ve done within myself to be an effective human, incorporating necessary self-care, like therapy into my life, as a way to adequately interact with others. But I have noticed a shift in the desire to learn or participate in therapeutic routes. This wish to engage for some people comes with ulterior motives. Whether that’s the ability to adorn the laurels of being in therapy (and expecting a high five in return), studying the medical jargon to keep in your back pocket for insidious use or adding it to your Hinge profile as a way to stroke your own ego has become an accessible outlet for narcissism to breed.
This doesn’t negate my advocating for therapy — as I believe it is a vital tool for the mental well-being of so many people — the concern has come after witnessing the abuse of a vulnerable practice that people have started using against each other.
“Psychology Today” touches on this in the article, “Are You Weaponizing Mental Health Terminology” by Catherine Aponte.
“While the practice of using therapeutic concepts in our everyday social interactions is not new, digital social media not only amplifies the spread of therapy-speak, it also uses it differently,” Aponte said. “The current use of this language is focused more on relational dynamics than on individual neurosis.”
Ah, traced back again to the root of contemporary chaos — social media.
This overload of information — therapeutic concepts — has found its way to the masses but in un-puzzled doses that doesn’t always provide a full context; and if users aren’t prepared to divulge deeper into the research on the matter, it can embolden a complex that may be supported by one video — or numerous — from an algorithm that is already biased, potentially aiding in a conceited vantage point that can invigorate a dogmatic perspective. Social media has already shifted the landscape of human interaction and the echo chambers that we allow to fester don’t necessarily champion healthy conversations but further push a self-righteous attitude. And to further complicate that is the presence of therapists and doctors (who have the right intention of educating users) to justify a mindset that isn’t focused on genuine help but a certified way to back their agenda.
“This expanded use of therapy-speak is causing concern as an indicator of a society that is ‘obsessed with self-actualization and personal fulfillment at the expense of concepts like duty, virtue and collective obligation,” Aponte said.
The slip of ego in sacred spaces such as the mental vista of one’s being should be kept untrodden by plans of dubious aspirations, as it’s bigger than just feelings being battered and bruised but the deposit of one’s beliefs being utilized to negatively influence one’s perception of self.
“The landscape of psychological theory and therapy has become a sort of worldview,” Aponte said. This worldview, filtered through the social media of self-help and self-care, which is too often expressed as satisfying one’s needs, is a risky substitute for the goals of actual therapy.”
This normalized selfishness has invaded genuine practices of alleviating personal anguish and the promotion of a nourishing environment of safety, understanding and mending. To weaponize therapy is to ignore the sacred respect of soul and spirit. It’s an unfortunate turn in culture that has pedestaled the phrase, “by any means necessary,” when it comes to establishing your preeminence.
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