FOLIO
Words by Ambar Ramirez, Carmen Macri and Shelton Hull
Watch this month’s crime time here.
Pocket Rocket
Normally, we’d begin with a strong warning against goofing around with fireworks, but this is Florida, where FAFO runs through our veins like craft beer and antidepressants, so we already know it’s pointless. Let’s just skip to the cautionary tale, which comes this time from right here in Jacksonville, where are local man chose to express his concerns with the state of his relationship in way that is, shall we say, strongly discouraged. Basically, he took a six-inch fireworks rocket and attempted to blast his girl in the face, and not in the good way. Needless to say, his Temu drive-by failed badly, as the rocket bounced off her door and flew back into his car before exploding where a man like that deserves to be hit with fireworks, right in his groin. He was arrested, but not seriously injured, and we can all pretty much agree that’s too bad.
Monkey Business
Picture this: You’re on your usual stroll through your cheerful Orange Park neighborhood, soaking in the sunshine and minding your own business. Suddenly, you hear a rustling from above. Naturally, you glance up. Is it a bird? A squirrel? Perhaps even a rebellious cat taking its daily break from society? Nope. It’s a monkey. Yes, you read that right—a monkey. This wild tale is exactly what Jasmine Morris shared with News4Jax after her jungle-esque encounter. Now, where did this unexpected primate come from? That’s the million-banana question. What we do know is that it’s not one of those Rhesus macaques that busted out of a South Carolina lab. Some locals think it might be a descendant of primates from a long-closed research facility in Orange Park. Others believe it could be someone’s exotic pet that decided it was time for an outdoor adventure. Meanwhile, the Yemassee Police Department chimed in, suggesting it might be a relative of the monkeys living the high life in Silver Springs. Either way, we hope it’s enjoying the Florida vibes.
Hokey Pokey
Ah, Florida—where the sun shines, the gators roam and Florida Man keeps us endlessly entertained. What’s on the docket today? Shooting down a Walmart drone? Dragging an alligator into a convenience store? Smuggling a cat into a nightclub? Nope, today’s headline grabber: a pair of burglars calling 911 to help move their stolen loot. Yes, seriously. This Poinciana power duo rang up the local sheriff’s office, not just to request moving help, but also a lift to the airport—because nothing caps off a day of crime quite like a weekend getaway in New York. According to deputies, the female mastermind cheerfully explained that she called 911 to enlist law enforcement’s help moving their “belongings” out of the house they were actively burglarizing. Bold strategy, right? Spoiler alert: it didn’t end with them on a flight.
“Deputies DID help them with their belongings, and DID give them a ride, but it wasn’t to the airport … it was to the Polk Pokey,” the sheriff’s office said in a Facebook post. “And they are welcome to stay there all weekend long. The Polk Pokey is much better than New York anyway.”
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