FOLIO
Words by Ambar Ramirez & Carmen Macri
Read at your own risk (all of this is satire; please don’t call and hex us)
Aries
The emptiness will last forever. There will be no reprieve. No one is here to help you save the skeletons in your closet —who are also your only friends. Doom and gloom and everything in between are in the cards for you this month.
Taurus
The new moon solar eclipse on Oct. 2 will have you questioning your faith and turning to darker, more twisted methods to fulfill your desires. Grab the chalk and start sketching a pentagram — sacrifices must be made if you ever hope to find peace of mind again.
Gemini
Don’t waste your time howling at the new moon this month. The monsters are out to play and no one is safe. Check under your bed and inside your closet or don’t. It won’t change the fact that they are watching you and waiting to make a move — which will be your last.
Cancer
Tensions are running high this month, Cancer, and for once, you might be the source. But don’t fret — sometimes the best solution is simply ignoring the problem. Or with the spooky season approaching, dust off your spellbook and start casting a hex or two. Let a little dark magic take care of things for you.
Leo
Your death won’t be quick. It will be drawn out. A long and slow suffering is in your future, maybe it’s already here and you haven’t realized it yet. You can keep trying to wake yourself up from this nightmare but to no avail. This is real life, and it is forever.
Virgo
Financial upheaval won’t be the only thing dragging you into a dark, deep depression this month, Virgo. It might be time to invest in a safe box to stash all those skeletons you’ve hidden beneath the floorboards. You’ve angered someone, and karma has a way of creeping back — perhaps it’s best to sleep with both eyes open.
Libra
That little voice in your head is getting louder, isn’t it? Every decision you make will be the wrong one. Maybe you should stay mute all month long since you can’t seem to say the right thing. Better yet — sew your mouth shut.
Scorpio
You are a cruel wicked creature. The mask is slowly beginning to slip, and everyone around you is seeing your true self. I guess that would be good for you? The ruse finally being up. No need to pretend anymore. And you can wither and rot away in solitude — exactly where you belong.
Sagittarius
Feeling like the walls in your room have been closing in on you, Sagittarius? It’s not your eyes playing tricks on you. The pressures and restrictions you have been feeling internally are manifesting physically and there’s nowhere to hide.
Capricorn
Everything you eat this month will be rotten and everything you drink will be spoiled. The parasites in your stomach are growing, growing, growing, slowly eating you from the inside out. At least they will keep you company in your final moments.
Aquarius
As a Uranus-ruled sign, Aquarius, you’re typically immune to the cosmic turmoil your ruling planet stirs up. But this month is different. With Uranus forming a trine with the new moon just before the Oct. 2 eclipse, you should brace yourself for the unexpected. Stay alert, and whatever you do — avoid speaking to anyone. Something dark is lurking beneath the surface.
Pisces
No one’s ever truly ready for goodbyes, Pisces. But as we plunge into this chaotic October, prepare to bid farewell to your old life and greet a new one. Don’t get too excited, though — this next chapter will pull you deeper into the darker side of yourself, the part you’ve tried so hard to hide.
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