Dear Dumbs,

Dear Dumbs,

Thank you for the podcast and for the monthly article. It’s always a bright spot in my day.

I’m emailing you today because I have an issue with my boyfriend. We’ve lived together for a little over five years and he’s a good guy. One of his best qualities is that he accepts my 7-year- old as his own. He’s always there for her while the biological father is out of the picture. 

The issue is he is very active on hookup sites. He sends explicit pictures, and he goes beyond flirting in his messages to them as well. When I asked him about all of this, he said he would never meet up with them and that he just likes the excitement of the chase. 

Obviously this has really done a number on me and us as a couple. I want to leave him, but I’m fearful of how it might affect my daughter.

Any tips?

Thank you in advance.

Millie T.
Atlantic Beach

TERRY: Let me just say right upfront that I know I’m about to upset some people here. But it has to be said. The problem is that I have so many questions I need Millie to answer before I start taking off some heads.

SHARI: Can I guess?

TERRY: Like I have a choice.

 SHARI: In your little Terry brain, you somehow think that this is all her fault.

TERRY: That’s kind of a reach. But she does have some responsibility here.

SHARI: I’m listening.

TERRY: In the dating process, there were some missed red flags.

SHARI: For example?

TERRY: Doing the math in my head, her daughter was two when they met. She should be suspect of any guy who willing to jump into an instant family situation. Yes, there are some great guys who have stepped up to the plate and handled something like this with love and grace. But if we ran the numbers, they’re few and far between.

SHARI: I’ll give you that.

TERRY: There’s one other thing.

SHARI: Great.

TERRY: And this is a question only Millie can answer. Are you hot, Millie?

SHARI: WTF does that have to do with this?

TERRY: Everything. I know guys. I myself am a creepy guy. If she’s hot, a guy will say everything and anything to keep the hookup going. If she’s meh, he might actually mean it.

SHARI: That’s asinine.

TERRY: Trust me. Millie knows exactly what I’m talking about. She’s feeling me right now.

SHARI: You wish. I have to say though that it does make a little sense. At the very least it’s information to consider.

TERRY: Millie, I’m sure you’re a great mom and a wonderful person. But you were also a scared mother who needed love and support. I just hope that he’s one of the good guys. But it sure doesn’t sound like it.

SHARI: Yep. I have a friend who went through a similar situation. She too was scared and lonely, and she told me that she felt like a failure and settled for some random guy. And yes, Terry, she’s hot. Bottomline is that she let a guy into her life too fast, and things got weird and they broke up.

TERRY: Then what did she do?

SHARI: Before she dumped him she devised a plan. She got a place to stay, told her close friends and family that she was going to need their support. Then she left while vowing to herself that she wasn’t going to jump into the next guy’s arms and that they were going to have to prove they were ready for the whole package. She’s been married for six years now, and they are a solid family.

TERRY: Bingo! She should write a book. Anyway, my initial thoughts are that your guy isn’t into it, and you don’t have to be a brilliant mind to see that with all the evidence. So, Millie, you may want to consider putting together your own plan.

SHARI: Yes Millie. You simply buying the guy’s “I like the chase” line probably made you look weak in his eyes. You deserve a good man and so does your daughter. You have some big decisions to make and whatever you decide, just know that we are on your side and wishing you well.