Shelton Hull
Words by Shelton Hull
You know, every month the inclination runs toward loading the column up entirely with stories from Florida, which is always possible. Heck, you could assign one intern strictly to peruse police blotters across our 67 counties and probably write a full column almost every day, such is our neighbors’ gift for shenanigans. But there’s just too much good stuff elsewhere for that, so instead we’ll just start in Florida, specifically in Boynton Beach, where a local Target customer was busted on 25 counts of larceny and two counts of fraud for switching out tags to scam scanners in the self-checkout lane. (By the way, “Scam Rap” is a thing, and it slaps.) Of course, that happens all the time, but this dude is maybe going to prison for stealing $1,334 (and 99 cents, that’s crucial) worth of Pokemon cards. He should NOT tell anyone that!
Moving north, a young couple in Lake Geneva, Wisc. were having an outdoor wedding when a tornado ruined it, and almost ruined them, tornados being famously unsentimental and all. Thankfully, no one was hurt in any of the severe weather that hit the area that Saturday afternoon, but the entire wedding party was forced to take shelter in the basement of a resort that just happened to be hosting a family reunion. After the power went out, a basement full of strangers sang Ed Sheeran’s “Perfect” while the couple danced in the light of camera phones. The resulting viral video should cover the cost of the wedding and the honeymoon.
The entire Hell’s Angels chapter in Bakersfield, Calif. was arrested recently on conspiracy to kidnap, rob and assault rival club members, but that’s not funny. Instead, we’ll talk about a police officer in Berlin, fired for filching cargo while responding to a truck accident. The plunder he pilfered was, in fact, approximately 396 pounds of cheddar cheese, which to be fair would have likely spoiled on the roadside anyway. It’s extremely rare to hear of cops getting fired who didn’t actually deserve it, but the Germans take abuse of power very seriously, for obvious reasons. But the bitter irony in this whole affair is that the officer in question never got to try the cheese, because he’s lactose intolerant. (If you know what brand of cheese it was, plz advise.)
Speaking of food, the quality of airline food has fluctuated over time. It was a fundamental trope in standup comedy for decades, and remains so even despite significant improvements in quality across all price ranges, to say nothing of what’s available at airports, like our own JIA. But this may be the last joke ever: the food on a Delta flight from Detroit to Amsterdam was so bad that the flight itself had to be diverted to JFK airport in New York. Some mistake in storage spoiled the food, and you can’t take 277 people across the Atlantic Ocean on an empty stomach. The delay added 16 hours to a flight already schedule to last for eight, but the food was great.
This column was on its way to press when Bruce Hamilton of WJXT reported on a Chinese man who got busted at customs with snakes in his pants, so of course we needed details. This clearly fearless fella was “intercepted” at Fultan Port in Shenzhen with six canvas drawstring bags duct taped to his body. Imagine the way one might smuggle cash, but snakes–exactly 104. The species were bullsnake, corn snake, milk snake, western hognose snake and Texas rat snake, most being non-native, which explains all that bother. The snakes were non-venomous, but who cares?
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