Shelton Hull
Words by Shelton Hull
We’ll start this column with an update on the cicadas swarming our nation with Brood XIX running wild through the Southeast and Brood XIII moving northwest. As if that’s not weird enough, apparently some of these cicadas are literal zombies, thanks to a new fungal infection called Massospora cicadina, which exclusively targets Brood XIII. The Illinois area seems to be the epicenter (as is often the case with different things), and the symptoms are horrifying. To quote one news report, “The white fungus takes over male cicadas and causes the gonads to be torn from the body. The chalky spores that are released by the fungus are spread to other nearby cicadas, infecting more and more.” Birds and other animals who eat the bugs may experience similar symptoms, which makes it interesting that Chicago has taken the lead on human consumption with some being air-fried crispy. But the most popular use is putting them into a shot glass of Malört. It’s unclear if this fungus can spread to humans, but if so, we’ll probably find out in just a few days.
Landlords are the worst, right? With home prices soaring (median prices in Jacksonville having doubled in just seven years) and wealth disparity more pronounced than at any time in living memory, landlords have emerged as a reliable new class of villain in our society. But this story is about a good landlord, and it’s the only one you’ll see this year: a lady in Melbourne, Australia was concerned that her landlord’s death meant she’d be out on the street soon. Thankfully, her building’s owner actually left instructions to his heirs (who are typically awful people) that she could continue living there, rent-free, for the rest of her life. Good millionaires are very weird!
Let’s stay in Australia, which is probably the most consistently funny country in the world. This is the story of Hugo, a tortoise whose pathetic attempts to find love captured the hearts of weirdos everywhere. After things didn’t work out with a goose, he tried a rock. Eventually, his handlers at the Australian Reptile Park took the obvious step of setting up an online dating profile for him, hoping to connect with comely, shell-backed waifs — and that is where he met Estrella. After a series of video chats, the couple finally moved in together. They can’t get married, of course, because they are not people, and they don’t even have fingers to put the rings on. They are currently living happily ever after, and because they are tortoises, odds are good that their love will survive, long after we are all dead. Love wins!
Our Aussie bredren take the trifecta with what feels like a comedy sketch: Two homegoods stores in Sydney are having some serious beef over aesthetics, and we’re not talking Black Angus. First it was Hands, which opened in the ritzy Newtown section of Sydney, followed not long after by Sharing, which opened right down the street, about 1,600 feet away, causing confusion among customers who cited the extreme similarity between them. Hands accuses Sharing of what pro-wrestlers might call “gimmick infringement,” while Sharing accuses Hands of appropriating the style of a whole other chain based in Japan. They are both correct.
First responders in San Francisco made a daring, high-risk rescue in late May, and the backstory is adorable. The helpers were called out to save “Cushy Pup,” whose life was in peril as he hung near the edge of Turner Terrace in the Potrero Hill neighborhood. Thankfully, it only took about 10 minutes to save him, and everyone was fine. But what, you ask, could have happened to land him in that situation? Well, apparently he was being chased by a gang of raccoons, and he clearly did NOT want that smoke. And if you don’t want the smoke, just call the fire department.
Hendersonville, N.C. has produced a number of minor celebrities, most notably the late Dr. Charles Stanley, who holds the distinction of being one of the very few TV preachers of the modern era who was not obviously a scumbag. But their biggest star right now, no doubt, is Charlotte the Stingray, who many thought could be subject to an immaculate conception of sorts. Belly-bulges suggested that she might be pregnant, which was weird, because she lives alone. It was only a few days ago that testing confirmed that she remains without child, sad news for the goofs who’d already tried queueing up to adopt stingray babies. Of course, it’s North Carolina, so if Charlotte had been pregnant, she would’ve had to keep it.
These columns are never complete without at least one story from Florida, and there are always plenty to choose from. This month, we turn to Naples, where a man and woman in their early 20s were caught having sex on Naples Pier on Memorial Day Weekend. That’s typically a light misdemeanor, which carries a little fine, maybe a night in jail until you can post bond, but no big deal, really. But, this being #Florida, the lady had to make things even harder for herself, which she did by jumping off the damn pier and trying to swim away from the police. News flash: Cops can swim, and they also have boats. The couple now face charges of trespassing and disturbing the peace, while she also got hit with disorderly conduct and resisting arrest. The upside, though, is that they’ll probably get free drinks all summer long.
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