Mallory Pace
Words by Mallory Pace
The neighborhoods of Jacksonville offer something for everyone. There’s Downtown, where buildings fill the skyline and beams of LED illuminate the vibrancy of its nightlife. Riverside has edge, as if by day it’s all bookstores and coffee shops, but at night the tortured artists all gather at underground bars and speakeasies, sipping Kava and having orgies. San Marco feels like a quaint, quiet town sheltered by trees and locally-owned boutiques.
The same goes for the Jacksonville Beach bars. The street where lovers go to dance, where friendships are made, where the brokenhearted go to drown out their sorrows and where everyone belongs somewhere. The row of bars, each different from the last, draw in their own unique crowd and sooner or later, everyone finds their niche. Some cling to the nostalgia of the older bars, some find comfort in the quieter scenes, some crawl from bar to bar, desperate to find the best party, others take turns, searching for the perfect place to call home. No matter the goal, everyone has a favorite beach bar, and trust me, it shows. Most times you can tell someone’s bar-type by the looks of them (I mean that in the most judgmental way!). But I don’t bar-shame, all of them are great and still standing for a reason … except you, Shim Sham Room, it was time to go.
Here’s what your favorite Jax Beach bar says about you.
Disclaimer: These are the opinions of a 22-year-old girl. Don’t take it to heart, weirdo.
If Surfer the Bar is your go-to, you’re probably freshly 21 and looking for trouble. I have found that the scene of Surfer doesn’t usually pick up until later in the night, but when it does, it really does. There’s two types of Surfer fans — upstairs and downstairs. I’m afraid of upstairs Surfer. You’re not having conversations if you’re upstairs … you’re holding on for dear life. It’s great for dancing if you’re into remixes of classic songs that change before the beat drops, or if you’re looking to grind on a stranger you’ll never see again. If I find myself upstairs at Surfer, I’m either pounding a drink to dance better or fighting my demons while trying to telepathically tell my boyfriend it’s time to go home. Either way, I’m standing by the patio doors and escaping outside every chance I get.
Even if you’re more of a downstairs/outside Surfer bar-type, you’re still trouble, but you might be looking for more conversation and socialization or a drink because Lord knows you won’t get one upstairs. Downstairs is usually more relaxed; you’ll find people playing ping-pong or hacky sack or sitting at a picnic table either nursing a drink or being force-fed water waiting for their Uber. Of course, Surfer is a classic, but I have found it’s more reserved for those thirsty for a blackout or good conversation if you can land a table. No inbetween.
If Tavern is your favorite bar, you’re probably still in college or you’ve already graduated but just can’t seem to let go of the past. If you’re a part of the former, you’re probably still trying to find your place among the beach bars and Tavern is your safety net. Don’t worry, you won’t be there forever. You’re probably awkwardly dancing on the makeshift dance floor until it’s time for another drink or running into old friends that you’re definitely too drunk to be talking to. You might be throwing back cups of water from their complimentary water jug (genius and thank you) or conveniently buying a pack of cigarettes from their vending machine because we all know drunk cigs don’t count. Tavern’s a good time, but my experiences there have felt more like fillers. We’re usually waiting until it’s late enough to go to another bar or using it as a meeting spot. If you’re spending more than two hours at Tavern, good for you, but may I ask why?
If you’re walking past Tavern, avoiding eye contact at all costs and heading into Wreck as your favorite spot, I trust you more. Wreck is usually more lowkey and is the closest spot to feeling like you’re actually at the beach. It’s opened up so the salty air and beachfront breeze masks the smell of cheap tequila they always have a deal on. If Wreck is your favorite bar, you value the environment of a place over its popularity. Or you may have opted for the devil’s lettuce at the pregame and now you can’t stomach a crowded scene.
If Salt is your favorite bar, I don’t have much to say about you. I don’t know you and I don’t want to. But it was so great catching up. Have a good night!
For all my Ritz Dawgs, if this is your go-to bar, you either think you’re an old soul and too cool for the other “juvenile” bars with the young, rowdy kids, or you actually are old (KIDDING!). I could count on one hand how many times I’ve been to Ritz. The first being my 21st birthday, and I was given my first green tea shot by a very sweet (older) couple. The next time all I remember was shoveling plates of popcorn down my gullet until I was sick from the mixture of butter and beer. But I do know people love this bar and I definitely see why. It has a good mix of things to do, adequate seating and even live music most nights, which is ideal. To me, the best part of Ritz is something every Jax Beach bar goer knows all too well — the Ritz Dogs. I just drooled onto my computer. That dinky looking food truck that sits in the Ritz parking lot is my safe space, oasis, home away from home. Even if you’re throwing it up hours later, it’s worth it every time. Ritz is certainly a classic and it’s probably your favorite for a specific reason, given how much it offers. It’s reliable and fun, but, like, shut up about it.
Now we’re faced with Lynches Irish Pub. The only Irish thing about it is its infamous Irish Car Bombs, and if you’re ordering those for any reason other than to torture the birthday girl/boy or as a sick, twisted joke, I need you far away from me. If this is your favorite bar, you’re probably getting wasted while being the life of the party. You have goals in mind — could be to push through until the bar is blinded with overhead lighting or trying to find the love of your life, you hopeless romantic.
Lynches is a hit or miss from my experience. You’re either at a good, peak drunk and listening to live music and chatting with new or old friends or you’re hurling your body into a sea of sweaty people as vodka-crans are being spilled down your shirt as you desperately seek the outside air to find it just as crowded. If you’re unbothered by crowds, Lynches can be a lot fun. The people are typically friendly, even if they’re burping Guinness into your face it’s part of the experience. If this is your favorite bar, you probably like the dive-ness feel to it and the hustling and bustling of a good night out. It’s not too loud to the point of unpleasantness (most times), but it’s busy enough to slip into the background. You know you’ve had a good time at Lynches if you come out with at least one stain somewhere and you’re Irish goodbye-ing (see what I did there?) the creepy guy who’s been shadowing you all night.
If Wine Bar is your favorite spot … hi, mom and dad! Wine Bar is great, don’t get me wrong, but you’re either soooo annoying about it or you’re really cool parents in need of a night out. If you’re of the former, you’re probably trying to get with one of the hot bartenders by seeming cool and mysterious, but you’re actually just slurring your words and desperately need water. If you don’t feel like you fit in at Wine Bar, you probably don’t. Read the room.
If Mango’s is your favorite beach bar, you know what you like and you’re unwavering on your stance. You cling to comfort and stability. Or you might be trying to live out your “Cheers” daydream where everyone knows your name … keep going, I’m sure they will one day. However, if there’s one bar that’s going to have regulars, it’s Mango’s. Over 65 years later and under new management, it’s still a local favorite. On a busy Friday night, it can get rowdy, but there’s a certain je ne sais quoi to it — you know this bar has seen some ghosts, but it’s also modern and alive. Maybe it’s the colorful Christmas lights they keep up year round, the wall of Polaroid pictures or the sweet smell of freshly popped popcorn (that I’m also inhaling at any given minute). Whatever it is, it’s working. If Mango’s is your go-to, you’ve probably found your forever home.
Finally, if Casa Marina is your favorite bar, you’re pretentious but in the best way. You’re willing to pay for overpriced, yet delicious martinis in return for feeling better than everyone else. You’ll sit outside, sip your espresso martini, sigh dramatically and say something like, “We needed this.” You’re going to overestimate the strength of a few martinis and wake up with terrible hangxiety over how much money you spent. You also might roll your eyes at those dancing in front of the DJ booth who’s playing the actual setlist from a middle school dance, but, as those martinis do what they always do, you’ll soon be joining them. Casa Marina is for the elegant, yet trashy, and I am certainly one of them.
Wherever you end up at the end of the night doesn’t really matter. We’re all the same Jax Beach loving crowd with a shared passion for getting drunk and making memories. On our own, we represent the bar we hold closest to our hearts. As a collective, we make up the epitome of Jax Beach. And if you don’t feel like you belong anywhere, well, try staying at home because something might be wrong with you.
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