Briana Pereira
Words by Briana Pereira
Dating in the modern world can be quite the adventure with so many different labels (or no labels at all) nowadays, and it can be hard to keep track of all the different terms. Whether you’re just getting back into the dating world or have been in the game for a while, hopefully this can break down some of the slang that’s been hot within the dating lexicon. While some of these terms might sound a bit more familiar, I didn’t want to leave any out, so here’s my current faves: situationship, delusionship, contra-dating, ghosting, talking, rizz, “pookie,” breadcrumbing, soft launch vs. hard launch, submarining and orbiting.
First up to bat, we have the dreaded situationship. I see situationships as something in the same family as the classic friends with benefits. No labels, but it can sometimes be a little more complex. In a friends with benefits relationship, there’s a discussed and mutually agreed decision of keeping it no strings attached and no labels. In situationships however, there is no discussing the actual relationship between the parties involved; if anything, there’s more of an avoidance to do so. This pattern creates a dynamic that leaves lots of room for overthinking and anxiety, oftentimes there’s a disconnect as to what each person sees the relationship as, and what their expectations are from their partner. Not too fun if you ask me.
What might be one of my current faves (not because I’m guilty of ever being in one of these or anything…*insert face hiding in hands emoji*) is the term delusionship. A delusionship, as defined by Bumble dating coach Caroline West, is an “infatuation that you have for someone you don’t have an established relationship with…” This can be anyone from someone you see everyday when you’re talking your dog on a walk, a cashier at Publix you have the hots for or someone you matched with on a dating app but haven’t met up with yet. A delusionship is essentially finding someone attractive and building a one-sided fantasy life in your head between you and the person. It isn’t necessarily a bad thing, unless you make it an unhealthy and stalkerish obsession, but make sure to remember the real person might not live up to the fantasy version of them that you make up in your head.
This next one is something newer to me (or so I thought, but I’ll explain that in a minute), and I only first learned about it after reading an article posted by “Today.” This new word in my dating vocabulary is contra-dating, it was first introduced on the online dating site known as “Plenty of Fish,” and it’s defined as purposely dating someone outside your usual type or who you wouldn’t necessarily view as compatible rather than choosing to find someone who fits your usual type. This new way of dating is an attempt to spice up the dating world, pushing singles a little out of their comfort zone. If you’ve ever heard the saying “opposites attract,” “golden retriever vs. black cat” or you remember from science class in elementary school when your teacher taught you that only positive and negative poles on magnets will connect, this concept is really starting to sound promising and might have been around for longer than we realized. It’s definitely something I’m not mad at.
This next term is something all too familiar to most of us who are actively out there in the dating world. Ghosting (sorry if that’s triggering for any of you because same) refers to when someone ends all contact without explanation — profile unmatched, messages unanswered, calls avoided. Let’s not sugar coat things … it sucks. I have my own theory behind why ghosting has become as common as it is and that’s due to the rise of online dating. It’s so much easier to block someone from a phone than it is IRL, but I digress.
This may also be a familiar term to my dating vets, and honestly anyone who attempts to stay in touch with the newest slang. Talking is the purgatory of the dating world, it’s not just friends, but it’s also a step below officially dating. It can be both exclusive or for some they use this time to both get to know the person they’re in this phase with, while also exploring other options. Simply defined, talking is the phase of dating when two people are still getting to know one another before starting the relationship, a lot of times most of the getting to know each other happens virtually (especially in today’s digital world).
Rizz. Likely my favorite word in the world of dating — and also named word of the year in 2023 by Oxford University Press. Rizz is essentially having game so good that no matter how unattracted someone might be to you, you can pull them anyway. Think when you see a not-so-hot guy (perfect example: Jermey Allen White from “Shameless), so not conventionally attractive that it makes him 10 times more attractive somehow with an absolute 10/10 baddie, and you’re just kinda left with a hmmm moment. You usually think he’s either stupid rich or has a pretty nice sized — you know what. Rizz has allowed tons of people to secure partners they never once saw attainable. Personally, I’m a sucker for some good rizz.
Another term that’s emerged in the dating realm that I happen to love is pookie. You may have heard your girl besties refer to you as “pookie” or heard them talk about someone they’re into and say “that’s my little pookie bear.” The word became popular after TikTokers Campbell and Jett Puckett started sharing videos where Jett would refer to Campbell as “pookie.” This term quickly spread and is now loved and used by millions, especially Gen Zers and Millennials. Basically, pookie is just a term of endearment that has made its way into the dating world.
And yet another dreadful dating trend, breadcrumbing. This is done when someone wants to keep you interested, fully knowing they have no real plans of building a relationship with you. Not nice if you ask me. But a lot of the times it’s unintentional, and I know I’ve been guilty of it too. Attention is nice and sometimes we use having the upper hand to help us maintain that feeling of being wanted, even if we don’t want the person we’re receiving it from. Simply put, breadcrumbing is a new term for leading people on, showing just enough mixed signals and signs of interest here and there to keep you invested in them.
These concepts are a bit simpler to understand and refer to how people announce they are dating someone. The two approaches are referred to as either a soft launch or a hard launch. A soft launch is a more lowkey and subtle way to let people know you’re off the market. This approach is especially loved by those who want to maintain that private but not secret relationship appearance or someone who wants to wait a little to publicize their partner. It can be done by sharing pics of you and your partner together but their face is purposefully not facing the camera or a picture of a hand holding yours. I personally think soft launches are the way to go and can be a good way to be creative. Hard launching on the other hand is guaranteed to break the internet, especially when there had been no signs that you were seeing anyone. It’s done by posting a picture that shows you and your partner looking all booed up, guaranteed to make all of your friends shocked. It’s definitely quite the opposite of a slow soft launch approach but both are a fun way to show off your relationship status.
Now this is a habit in modern dating that makes me SO FRUSTRATED, submarining. This reminds me of the saying “they always come back,” but, gosh, is it annoying. Submarining is when someone you were seeing disappears out of nowhere, no warning, nothing, and then tries to wiggle their way back into your life a few months later. Kind of like when your ex tries to “happy birthday” their way back into your life. I chalk this one up to people just being the worst. Honestly, like you were great when we were together, but then I found someone better, then they left, so let me go back to what I know. Reminder: you are too valuable to be anyone’s sometimes, and you aren’t there for their convenience. <3
Last but not least we have orbiting. Now this is something I know anyone with an ex or ex-situationship is more than familiar with, even if they’ve never heard it called this. Orbiting is when someone from your past continues to linger by interacting with your online presence, without actually maintaining a meaningful relationship. This can include liking your Instagram stories, stalking your TikTok, being the first to see your Snapchat stories and more. With this trend it can often lead to a little bit of confusion. Are they doing this to give me false hope or are they just trying to maintain a healthy break-up? It leaves you guessing. It’s important to not look to deep into their habits so that you can ensure your journey to move on stays on the right track.
As you can see, the dating lexicon is constantly expanding and new words for different scenarios are popping up each day (even I learned about a few new ones while writing this). If you’re active in the dating world, it’s helpful to keep up to date with the newest slang, allowing you to make sure you aren’t guilty of some of the less positive habits mentioned.
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