Nightmare Blunt Rotation

Words by Amiyah Golden

Although we’re way past the Halloween season, horror knows no bounds. 

With 4/20 approaching — an annual affair for Mary Jane indulgers — it serves as a time to come together with fellow partakers and pass the blunt. Being a part of the rotation is an honor and I’m sure if you were invited to join, you’re fancied by the people in your circle. But sometimes there’s that one loose cannon, the person you dread being high around. As you inhale and travel through dimensions, the absence of ego, bickering and annoyance would be nice — and there’s a select few people that I would rather throw away the entire eighth for than get blazed with. Therefore, I’d like to introduce my nightmare blunt rotation: Kanye West, Candace Owens, Elon Musk, JoJo Siwa, Jaxson de Ville, Eric Cartman, Clay from “Love is Blind,” Ms. Netta and Charles, and Leslie Knope. 

Now before y’all beat me up because I know how y’all like to tussle about your cult lea… I mean, favorite figures, hear me out first.

Kanye West or Ye, as he’s being requested to be called, would absolutely make me ash my blunt immediately. Politically, morally and all around, we would not get along; musically, maybe, but I don’t think we would be able to keep a conversation contained. I think once we spark up and start disagreeing he would absolutely start a smear campaign against me. A Gemini and a Sagittarius arguing while bake just doesn’t seem like a good idea … if I wanted to do so I would argue with my ex. 

Along, the same lines of politics and controversy, Candace Owens, would fall in the same realm for me as Kanye West. As a hardcore Conservative with some very bold views, Candace and I would just absolutely kill the vibe with our back and forth. I respect differing views than I value discourse so much — it’s become my favorite pastime even — but Ms. Owens is very firm on her ideologies of social change and we would get nowhere in a conversation sober, not to mention high.

Next would be Elon Musk. Honestly, the true beef I have with this man is him changing Twitter’s name to X and naming his child, X Æ A-12, for that alone… I would not share my blunt. 

A trip with Jojo Siwa would simply feel like childhood actress trauma mixed with self-discovery, glitter and the continual performance of her latest song — that I’ve heard enough for three lifetimes against my will — and I would just rather not engage with Ms. Siwa while I’m floating like a kite. 

To all my Duval family, please don’t hate me but Jaxson de Ville scares the crap out of me. It’s a childhood fear that continues to plague me today and the idea of seeing a mascot face half illuminated by the glow from the fire of a lighter actually would give me lifelong night terrors. 

Eric Cartman — the character you are — if you haven’t watched the infamous animated series, “South Park,” you may be confused why I have a gripe with a fictional character, but this 10-year-old cartoon character is so evil … oh, my goodness. Cartman would definitely manipulate me during our trip, and I would probably end up in an awful predicament because of him, and he would just be laughing so, no. 

Now, if you’ve indulged in the dumpster fire that has been season six of “Love is Blind,” I would hope you would share similar grievances with me about Clay Gravesande. I’m truly convinced he’s not real, but if he is, it would make getting high with him even worse. He would absolutely hate me after our trip because I would ask him everything America wanted to know (that we didn’t get answered during the reunion) and would not stop pestering him until he answered truthfully.  Also, he’s a Gemini as well and that conversation would end in hellfire, so it would be best (for the both of us) if he wasn’t a part of the rotation. 

Now, this next duo may be a bit niche to the masses but, Ms. Netta and Charles, the couple who has become somewhat social media famous, have absolutely infiltrated my algorithm and I’m sick of seeing them. So to not be able to escape them during a smoke session would make me burn all of the remaining weed. Imagine continually hearing, “Charles your lunch is ready!” while stoned… absolutely not. 

Finally, Ms. Leslie Knope. Although Amy Poehler in real life seems like a gem, she played her role as Leslie Knope in “Parks and Recreation” a little too well and now my brain automatically recognizes her as a legitimate historical figure. Watching “Parks and Recreation” made me want to leap into the television and squabble with her, but if we were smoking…. I think I would lose brain cells trying to keep her from gaslighting me. 

Well, thankfully, I’m just a little nobody and I will never meet these people or characters ever in real life, let alone grasp an opportunity to participate in a collective smoke session, but if I ever do … please come save me.