Shelton HullWords by Shelton Hull
The late great gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson was one of the most influential men to ever do The Job. He, along with folks like Nat Hentoff, Norman Mailer, Charles Bukowski, Studs Terkel and Tom Wolfe, were crucial to the development of “Alternative Newsmedia,” of which “Folio” is one of the most prominent examples still extant. He was famously dismissive of “Objective Journalism,” which he considered incompatible with the human animal. “Don’t bother to look for it here,” he said, “not under any byline of mine; or anyone else I can think of. With the possible exception of things like box scores, race results, and stock market tabulations, there is no such thing as Objective Journalism. The phrase itself is a pompous contradiction in terms.”
That quote has started more fights than both Paul brothers, combined. But the point was simply to note that this column is clearly biased in the direction of good, clean fun. One category that always leaps to the forefront — in this case, literally — is when things spill out of trucks onto roads and especially highways. That can be lethally dangerous, but as long as no one is seriously hurt, it’s fair game for this column. Case in point:
The first thing you do after a large spill is call the police. But what do you do when it is the police that have been spilled? Drivers in downtown Cleveland were faced with this dilemma on March 2, when two police horses were spotted trotting against traffic on the I-90 for a few minutes. It took some finagling, but eventually both horses were successfully induced to giddyap. For all we know, the horses probably thought they were working.
Speaking of animals — but maybe we shouldn’t — here’s an update on a story we all cringed at together a few months ago: A professor at Penn State (whose name we’re omitting because, well, you’ll see) was already facing multiple charges, including indecent exposure, open lewdness and animal cruelty after he was caught having sex with a dog on video in a public park, an act caught on park surveillance cameras. (And before you ask: It was a border collie and yes, that is a relevant detail.) The initial charges were filed in June, and more have been added after — oh no — more evidence surfaced. What evidence, you ask? Why, 55 cell phone videos showing more of the same — a whole lot more. What is he doing? He is doing EVERYTHING. We’ll spare you the gory details, but just know that it involves a ski mask, a glass picnic table, a Tootsie Pop and the control handle of a DCNR John Deere crawler, all of which were ruined. No wonder he begged the police to shoot him during the initial arrest. A lot of you probably feel the same way, after reading that.
Insurance fraud is bad, but it can also be hilarious. For example: A woman in County Claire, Ireland won over $800,000 after she was rear-ended in 2017, allegedly causing pain that left her unable to work. Turns out, she could work — the system, that is. Alas, the lass was thwarted, and her payout duly shorted, when the media reported that she’d won a Christmas tree throwing competition a year after the accident. She didn’t even get to keep the tree!
NASCAR was famously born of moonshiners outrunning the authorities, and that spirit of shenanigans remains part of the culture, to this day. Few sports embrace cheating quite like they do, but star driver Joey Logano went to ridiculous extremes during a recent race in Atlanta. He used a special aerodynamic glove that allowed him to reduce wind drag just slightly by putting his hand out the window. It apparently worked, as Logano won the pole position (given for fastest time in qualifying) in two out of his last three races. He was fined $10,000, but I’m sure the other drivers covered his bar tab that weekend.
Speaking of speed, airplanes are really fast, and sometimes they’re even faster. Record-high winds in the northeast peaked out at 265 mph in late February, and these winds caused at least four different commercial jetliners to accidentally break the speed of sound, which is 767 mph. The increase in speed might not have been noticeable to the passengers, but the pilots would be firmly aware. In most cases, that would be their only experience going that fast, unless they had some experience flying military fighters. (The only commercial jet that could reliably go that fast was the old Condorde, which was the symbol of luxury from 1969 to 2003, going from New York to London in under 3 hours, less than half the normal time. It reached a top speed of 1,350 mph, with only three accidents out of nearly 50,000 flights among the 20 planes.)
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