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Words by Briana Pereira
Similar to love languages, one’s attachment style can heavily impact the way we build and interpret our relationships, platonic or romantic. The attachment theory is based on the work of psychiatrist John Bowlby and later expounded on by psychologist Mary Ainsworth and essentially states that our bond with our parents (or primary guardians) during childhood has a significant influence on our future social and intimate relationships.
The theory dates back to the 1950s and continues to evolve as more research is done on the subject, but at this point the attachment theory has four attachment styles within it, each having its own traits and characteristics. It reminds us that love is fluid and isn’t a one-size-fits-all thing. We might not resonate 100% with one of these attachment styles and that’s OK. Attachment is a spectrum and there may be elements from each category that we feel fit ourselves appropriately. Knowing all of the different attachment styles and their tendencies can help raise self-awareness and allows us to identify unhealthy behaviors and understand what we might need to work on in order to improve and maintain all of the beautiful relationships in our life.
Anxious Attachment Style
People who have an anxious attachment style usually suffer from high levels of insecurity and hold a negative view of themselves but a positive view of others. In many relationships they picture their partner as their “better half,” quite literally speaking. This is because someone who deals with an anxious attachment style often feels less worthy of love in relationships in comparison to the other party and has a fear of being without their partner and/or a fear of being alone in general. These people deeply fear abandonment and to ease this fear, they strongly desire security, attention, care and responsiveness within their relationships. An absence of these things in a relationship can lead someone with an anxious attachment style to be more clingy and demanding, feeling preoccupied with the relationship and desperate for a reminder and reassurance that they are still loved and wanted. Overall, people with anxious attachment styles value their relationships highly but are easily worried their loved one or the other party is not as invested in the relationship as they are.
Avoidant Attachment Style
People with avoidant attachment styles are often viewed as opposites of those with anxious ones. They tend to foster a high sense of emotional independence and self-sufficiency, holding positive views of themselves and negative ones of others. They do not feel like they are only complete through their relationship and do not want to have to depend on others and vice versa. For those who have an avoidant attachment style, they generally steer clear from intimacy, emotional closeness, and they don’t like showing vulnerability in relationships. They withdraw quickly from relationships if they feel that the other party is getting too quickly reliant on them and will suppress their feelings when having to face a potentially deep emotionally-dense conversation or situation.
Disorganized Attachment Style
Those who have a disorganized attachment style tend to pull traits from both the anxious and avoidant styles depending on circumstances. The other party and the relationship themselves are often the source of both desire and fear for the person who has a disorganized attachment style which can often lead to confusion or ambiguity in their relationships. On one hand, they do want intimacy and closeness, but on the other, they have trouble trusting and depending on others. People with this attachment style often struggle with identifying and regulating their emotions and tend to avoid strong emotional attachment due to their intense fear of getting hurt.
Secure Attachment Style
Unlike the other three attachment styles, a secure attachment style means the individual is comfortable expressing their emotions openly. This allows them to easily depend on their partner, while also letting their partner rely on them in return. Those with secure attachment styles tend to have positive views of both themselves and others, so they don’t seek external validation and can control their own emotions pretty well — and even help their partner with the same. They do well in relationships but also don’t fear independence.
There is lots of research surrounding the childhood factors that lead us to develop these attachment styles, but at the end of the day, they make us who we are, and no matter what attachment style we might identify with, we are still worthy of receiving love and capable of showing love. Similarly to love languages, it’s important for us to compliment our partners in the best ways we can or in better words “fill their cup.” Just like we would want someone to anticipate what we need or are feeling before we even have to say a word, so do they.
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