Shelton Hull
Words by Shelton Hull
2024 is here, and so is this column, and year No. 3 begins now. This column is being written on Jan. 4, and you might think that’s hardly enough time to find enough fresh hell to fill this space. But oh, no, it’s like the man Ryan George says, “Super easy, barely an inconvenience.” The holidays are over, and things are now back to normal — which is to say, very much abnormal.
Last year ended with one of the most decisive thrashings in the entire history of organized sports, and this year began with another one. One of the most controversial seasons ever in college football ended for FSU on Dec. 30 with a 63-0 desecration at the hands of Georgia, which was arguably the best team in America in 2023, but inherent flaws in the BCS system assure that we’ll never really know. Meanwhile, FSU, still rightfully sore over their BCS snub, basically refused to play any actual football, accepting the indignity of nine touchdowns and 673 total yards of offense like a disgruntled spouse going the ol’ marital motions. Some two dozen petulant players simply refused to play, which is the kind of work ethic that NFL scouts just salivate over. Instead of using the snub to fuel their anger, and prove their merit by bringing it to the Bulldogs, they reduced their entire season to a joke with chaos already brewing for their off-season. Personally, as a Gator fan, watching our two greatest rivals endure that debacle was really the only joy I got from college football this year, and let’s not speak of it again until [checks notes] Aug. 24.
Somehow that multifarious meta shit-show was eclipsed in relative infamy just five days later by the Lady Tigers of Grambling State University, an iconic HBCU founded in Louisiana in 1901. A Jan. 2 game against the College of Biblical Studies, established in Houston in 1976, was basically over as soon as it started. GSU led by 46 to 4 after the first quarter, and they fought hard to maintain that lead, which they did. The final score? 159 to 18, aka the greatest blowout in NCAA history. Only four of CBS’ 12 “Ambassadors” scored, taking 43 shots in total but hitting just eight. Meanwhile, every single GSU player scored multiple times with two scoring more points solo than their opponents did combined. You never want to see anyone get embarrassed like that, but at least they didn’t quit. Expect for this NCAA women’s basketball season to feature here again, especially in March, because NIL=shenanigans!
Pivoting away from sports, let’s talk about insects — namely, cicadas, with whom we Floridians are about to get very familiar. This is because there are two specific types of cicadas of relevance here — Brood XIII and Brood XIX. As you may know, their life cycles are extremely long, as compared to almost all other insects, and much of that life is spent underground, safe from predators. When they do emerge, periodically, it’s kinda like those kids out there drag racing and doing donuts on residential streets: they arrive, seemingly out of nowhere, cause a whole holy ruckus, then promptly vanish into thin air. Now, according to Dr. Hannah Fry, ace ginger at the BBC, each species’ life cycle is a prime number — 13 years for Brood XIX and 17 years for Brood XIII — which somehow allows them an added measure of safety. These cycles do not line up, typically. Indeed, the last time that happened was way back in 1803. This happens once every 221 years, which means that 2024 is expected to produce swarms of cicadas unlike anything that living eyes have ever seen. The key thing for you to remember is that they are NOT locusts, and our state is not being given some kind of biblical punishment, even if we probably do deserve it. But if you see anything else falling from the sky, you might want to move.
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