Amiyah Golden
Words by Amiyah Golden
As we prepare to gather around the dinner table for another holiday, we cannot do so without acknowledging the anxiety that comes with the obligatory seasonal game of “21 Unnecessary Questions Nobody Asked For!” *and theme show music plays.*
I know we’re past the spooky season, but it’s still frightening when your mom tells you that Aunt Becky is coming (you know the aunt who is constantly in everyone’s business) and Uncle John (the one who thinks it’s his earthly duty to debate everyone on their political views). It can all just feel so overwhelming (especially when you know the night might end in wishbones and whines) and that can ultimately make the anticipated holiday cheer feel like holiday … dread.
Thankfully I have an amazing family. Our dialogue is open and fun (but we’re all close so I don’t mind updating them on the arbitrary tales of my life), and although I’m fortunate enough to have lucked out with joyous holiday affairs, this unfortunately is not the case for everyone.
I remember a couple years ago, “Black Twitter” had had enough of family members feeling comfortable spewing their most out-of-pocket commentary, so many users decided to challenge the hierarchy of age and began clapping back in defense. This ultimately created the infamous #thanksgivingclapbacks like:
Aunt: “Where’s your husband?”
Me: “Missing like your teeth.”
– @divatia20
Aunt: “That’s a lot of gravy you’ve got there.”
Me: “That’s a lot of kids you’ve got there.”
– @thehoboquueen
Now, these are just some examples of remarks made in defense by Twitter users who felt the need to combat the sly comments made by family members — with the same energy. This trend wasn’t just limited to the Black community/culture or exclusive to the Thanksgiving holiday, however, with users of all backgrounds sharing their experiences. In doing so, it fostered a communal conversation on disseminating the common denominator — a precocious family member or “elder” speaking out of turn — and why it was so normalized for them to have such audacity, especially around the holiday season.
That said, I surveyed my friends and searched the internet for some things you just shouldn’t say or ask during the holidays.
“How’s that little job going?”
The word “little” in this case is used to diminish one’s accomplishments and/or lifestyle choices and is, in turn, projected as an extremely shady notion of how you may really feel. This adjective is often used in the Black community and can translate as feelings of jealousy as well.
While “little job” is just an example of a common phrase, it’s not limited to employment but the overall implication of “little” being applied to any aspect of one’s life is just unnecessary and not needed.
“What are you supposed to do with that degree anyway?”
Most people who pursue a particular degree have a goal in mind (we’re taking the classes, and we’re preparing.) Just because you may not understand the depths of the degree, it does not eliminate it as credible or indicate the possibility of having a successful career.
Now, I’m not saying it’s not appropriate to inquire, but before you do, maybe evaluate your tone and your objective. That can make a world of difference.
“When are you finally going to stop being single?”
A relationship status is never linear nor relevant. It is OK to be single (and you do not have to conform to this irrational societal timeline that your Uncle John keeps pushing.) Let’s allow people to embrace their singleness! This question can often make one feel inadequate, perpetuating this tale that being in a relationship equates to fulfillment (which is not true.) So let’s start minding our business when it comes to other people’s lives.
“I’m not going to respect your pronouns; I don’t understand that stuff.”
As more people begin to embrace their gender/sexual identity, it is so important that we practice reverence regarding one’s preferred identity.
No one is asking you to be an expert on the matter, but if someone so simply asks you to respect their self-identity, I don’t think it’s too much to ask (especially for a loved one) to respect them as such. No one’s expecting you to get it right each time, but consideration goes a long way, and there are numerous resources available to learn and prepare yourself.
“Maybe you should lay off the potatoes.”
Making a comment regarding food choices or someone else’s appearance is never necessary (I thought we learned this at a young age), but I forget that a majority of our society still correlates weight to being unhealthy. It’s bad enough this myth is still maintained through the media, but it’s even worse when it is carried on by our own family members.
Passive commentary like this could lead to a domino effect of actions that could be detrimental to one’s physical and/or mental health. Before you open your mouth to comment, stop and think about the potential effects your criticism could have.
Although these are just some examples of things you shouldn’t say, the list goes on and on. If I continued the list this singular article would turn into its own non-fiction book entitled, “Untold Tales of the Holiday: Surviving Aunty Becky and Uncle John.”
While we should know better, many use the title of “family” to justify their claims to blast futile critique. But it doesn’t. So for the holidays this year, let’s instead focus on you not forgetting the ingredients for the macaroni and cheese and less on how you can belittle your family members this holiday season.
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