Shelton Hull
Words by Shelton Hull
Here’s some breaking news: Men are vain. You may know that already, if you’re a Carly Simon fan or just a woman in general, but this is extreme. “GQ,” which has been at the forefront of masculine culture for decades, recently ran an article about a disturbing new subculture of men who are, shall we say, not tall, but who have taken extreme measures to achieve new heights of, well, height. They’re getting this done in the worst possible way: by paying upwards of $75,000 each to have their damn femurs broken with titanium nails inserted down the center and gradually adjusted to stretch out the thigh bone and add a few extra millimeters to their height. Of course, this is insane, and anyone doing this is probably wrestling with issues way beyond body dysmorphia. Frankly, these guys could have spent that money on a fancy new car and had similar results, socially.
Do you love pizza? Of course you do, and so do we. Studies will vary, but it’s been estimated that the average American eats 156 slices of pizza per year, more if you’re a mutant turtle; that works out to roughly 100 acres of pizza every day or about 300 slices every second. So this is a highly competitive market, and pizza purveyors pursue marketing gimmicks with the relentless zeal of minor league baseball teams or new craft breweries. Domino’s is leading the way this year, starting with their new “Emergency Pizza” concept, in which every customer who makes a $7.99 minimum order gets the right to claim a free two-topping pizza within 30 days afterwards. You may recall that last year, Domino’s pulled one of the greatest stunts ever, when they sent a deliveryman on a six-hour trek to deliver a pizza to hikers at the summit of Mt. Fuji, the largest peak in Japan, not to be confused with the late Emily Dole of “GLOW” fame
Earlier this summer, the Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute in Troy, New York suffered a truly catastrophic blow to some of their research, and the culprit was part of their own staff. After a janitor got annoyed at a beeping freezer unit, he tried to fix it and ended up doing the exact opposite. As a result, the temperature inside the unit dropped from -112 degrees to -26 degrees, still cold enough to kill humans but, unfortunately, too warm to destroy decades’ worth of cell cultures and other research, causing over $1 million in damages. The janitor had no malicious intent. He thought he was helping, but “Good Will Hunting,” he was not.
Children have shown remarkable ability to emulate and copy the behaviors of adults, which sometimes leads them to achieve things that might have seemed physically impossible to outside observers. The most recent example of this phenomenon comes from Duluth, Minnesota, where a couple of nature lovers decided to start taking their young daughter on hikes with them with incredible results. By age 2, she had already visited 44 national parks. By age 3, she had broken the record for being the youngest person to ever visit all 63 of America’s national parks, from the Dry Tortugas in Key West to Denali Park in Alaska and every one in between. Her fate may have been written in the stars, given the name her parents picked for her: Journey.
We’ll wrap things up in Florida this month with news worth sharing with your friends, especially the weird ones. The first Florida Man Games is coming to St. Augustine on Feb. 24, and they are looking for contestants. The games were created by Peter Melfi of the904.com, who had originally planned a basic 5K before deciding to expand his vision to include obstacle courses and a mud run. At least two of the judges will be former American Gladiators, so you know it will be fair. Events include the “Weaponized Pool Noodle Mud Duel,” “Chicken Coop Bingo,” “Evading Arrest Obstacle Course,” “Beer Belly Florida Sumo,” “911 Fight Night: Brawl of the Badges” and, of course, the “Florida Ma’am Pinup Contest”. We have no idea who’s going to win the games, but you can be sure that Weird Wild News will be there to witness the madness in person … and maybe even participate!
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