October HORRORscopes

No one is safe. 

 

Aries

There is a boogeyman under your bed, and there is no one to save you from it. This could be seen as a metaphor, or maybe it’s just a home invasion. None of the lights work in your house, similar to that light within yourself that has been extinguished.

 

Taurus

It might be time to throw out any color in your closet, Taurus … as well as all those skeletons. You’ll be wearing a lot of black this month as you will lose something — or someone — dear to you. Might as well put the “Sound of Silence” on constant queue as that’s all you’ll be hearing. Nothing. 

 

Gemini

Nobody exists on purpose. Nobody belongs anywhere. We’re all going to die. All the signs you’ve seen are purely coincidence; there is no higher power watching over you. You are alone in this world. 

 

Cancer

Feeling weak and unimportant, Cancer? Well, we’re sorry to say that things won’t change. Stop playing the whole “goodie goodie” role and embrace the devil that dwells within you. Better yet, pull out the Ouji board and actually befriend a demon. 

 

Leo

You have no close circle because you are insufferable. The “friends” who are not friends have all been plotting against you. Every move you make has been monitored and criticized. They are just waiting for that final slip-up to completely cut you out of their lives. 

 

Virgo

Time to channel your inner demons, Virgo. In other words, keep doing what you’re best at, which is scaring everyone with your annoying conversations and horrible BO. If you’re lucky, someone close to you will poison you, ending your worthless existence.

 

Libra

You are getting fired and your partner is leaving you for someone better. Your dog will run away and your car will be repo’d. You will be miserable and wish for death, but it won’t come. You will have to live inside your mind until the day the Grim Reaper appears, which, unfortunately for you, won’t be for a long, long time. 

 

Scorpio

That hollow feeling inside of you is growing, and it won’t stop until it swallows you whole. Your death won’t be quick or honorable, either. You will be alone, like always, and no one will care. After a few days of rot and decay, your cats will begin eating your corpse, At least you are good for one thing. 

 

Sagittarius

You’ve been looking awfully pale, Sagittarius. Have you been drinking a lot of spoiled milk and are dying a slow death? Maybe you’re already dead … destined to spend the rest of eternity in corporate hell. 

 

Capricorn

You don’t have an angel on your shoulder. Just two devils constantly whispering your darkest fears in your ears. Too bad there is nothing you can do to get out of it. Too bad everything they are saying is true. You are worthless and irrelevant in every sense of the words. 

 

Aquarius

Your dreams of being abducted from an alien vessel are coming true. Have you even seen “Predator”? Soon that will become your reality. Living the rest of your days on an operating table far in space, where no one will hear your screams. 

 

Pisces

You are stuck in a time loop (if you haven’t realized it) and there is no way to escape. Every death you suffer will just put you back to the beginning, constantly reliving your nightmares. You can’t escape your dreams as they have become reality. There is nothing for you to do. This is eternity. 

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