Carson Rich
The Brutal World of Fantasy Football and Its Consequences
Words by Carson Rich
It’s that time again. Time to sit on the couch and do absolutely nothing but scream at random people on the TV screen while smashing a 12-pack on the couch every Sunday. The creative, magical world of fantasy football is back with a vengeance, and each year everyone is just trying to avoid landing in that last place spot. Punishments have become a viral moment for leagues everywhere, so if you need some new ideas on how to make your friends pay, we’ve got you covered.
For those who aren’t familiar with fantasy football, each person in the league drafts an entire team of active NFL players, who are scored based on how they do in real time. Your team faces a new team each week like an actual season, hoping to be good enough to make the playoffs at the end of the year and take home the championship. Some leagues also have consolation brackets during playoff time to decide who the biggest loser is, which ultimately decides who gets to endure a punishment that the league has chosen beforehand.
Fantasy football punishments are brutal to say the least. Sometimes it only takes one game to decide your fate, and one great season could swiftly turn into public humiliation. In case you’re new here or play fantasy football and can’t come up with a good one, we’ve gathered a list to help you out:
The One-Chip Challenge: Starting off hot, the loser of the league must purchase and the “Paqui One Chip,” supposedly the hottest nacho chip made and endure more than a minute and a half without anything to drink or help cool it down.
The Milk Mile: This is not for the lactose intolerant players out there. The loser must dress up in business clothes and shoes, travel to a local track and run a mile. Seems simple right? No. In between each quarter mile, they have to chug a quarter of a milk gallon. This ounuagnwbr is one of the reasons this story was written because of how harsh it is.
IHOP/Waffle House Challenge: This one has been a classic for years. The loser must spend a 24 consecutive hours in either a Waffle House or IHOP. One hour of time is taken off for each pancake or waffle consumed, which sound easy until you get full after the third one and want to take a nap in the middle of the booth.
Comedy Night: All members of the league that did not lose must write out a list of jokes and punchlines for the loser to take to an open-mic stand-up comedy night to perform these jokes. This punishment lies all on the creativity of the league.
A Questionable Transaction: The loser must take a trip to a store with a list of embarrassing items that the league has prepared for him to purchase. Examples of this could be anywhere from ointments to “bedroom equipment.” The possibilities for embarrassment are endless.
Ink of Shame: This one stays with you the longest and could haunt you forever. The loser must get a tattoo of either a banner that says they lost the league during the current year or any other art that the league collectively chooses.
Test Taker: A test for the mind. Last place has to sign up to take a standardized test like the SAT. The other members will decide on a score that they have to achieve, and if they don’t, they have to do it until they pass by their standards. Better study hard!
The Petitioner: The loser must come up with an issue about a league-approved topic and create a petition. They then have to go out in public to ask others to sign it. The only way they get through is if they reach 50 signatures, so your marketing skills need to be in tip-top shape.
When Life Gives You Lemons: The loser has to build their own lemonade stand and set up shop (wherever it is legal to). The league then chooses a certain amount of profit that they have to reach, and the money goes to the other members.
Photoshoot: What is more fun than humiliating your friends? Each league member purchases an outfit of their choosing to dress the loser in, then they have to set up a whole photoshoot and create a calendar full of the results. Creativity is also a factor here, as some examples have included anything from tacky outfits to lingerie. This works best for 12-team leagues.
Fantasy football is already stressful for competitive groups, and this is just one great way to spice things up. Defeating your friends is fun, however, so don’t be shy and bring some of these ideas up during your next draft, if you dare.
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