Words by Shelton Hull
Drugs are bad, m’kay? That much is obvious, no matter what this column (or its author) tells you. But the only thing worse than drugs are legal versions of those drugs, which are usually not legal for long.
While the high folks get from CBD (which is legal) may be suitable for folks who’ve never actually been high from THC (i.e., marijuana), many consumers are hankering for a more authentic experience, and that may lead them in the direction of various synthetic junk that can, on occasion, be lethal. Take, for example, K2 (aka “Spice”), long touted as a safe and legal alternative to cannabis that was known to induce anything from hallucinations to violent rage. If you’re ever offered it, stay away! You’d be better off doing a pay-to-play deal with your local brothel.
Today we’re talking about THC-P, a filthy and freakish variant of the THC we know and love. Like most of the top rappers these days, it’s entirely pointless, and the appeal is rooted entirely in the potential for danger. Even my own best efforts at crafting the appropriately hopped-up, hifalutin’ prose falls somewhat short of the desired goal, so I figured I’d bring in a ringer: influencer “Jenny Bloch” (alias for a colleague who rightfully prefers to be anonymous after her own disastrous experience with THC-P, as recounted in her own words).
“My boyfriend and his roommate bought a bag of gummies from a local smoke shop a few weeks ago,” she recalled, choking back alligator tears. “We’ve done delta 8 and delta 9 before, but never THC-P. When we walked in, the cashier showed us a bag of this new stuff that contained delta 8, delta 9 and THCB. Each gummy was 500 mg, which seems like an insane amount for one gummy. The other gummies we have bought are usually around 300 mg per gummy. My boyfriend ate the whole thing, and his roommate and girlfriend split one.
So far, so good, right? NOPE! “Everything was seemingly normal for the first hour, giggles and munchies. But then my boyfriend went ghostly white and couldn’t really move much,” she continued. “It was like he was moving in slow motion. He went to go grab a glass of water and was completely shaking, spilling the water everywhere.” (Anytime you see liberals wasting water, you know that something has gone terribly wrong!) “I have ‘greened out’ before so I kind of knew that’s what was happening. We went into his room, and he was freaking out, feeling like he was dying. So I tucked him into bed and then went back out to hang out with his roommate and his girlfriend. I figured they would be fine since they only took a quarter of what he had.”
A great woman once said, “They ask you how you are, and you just have to say you’re fine, when you’re not really fine, but you just can’t get into it because they would never understand.” Can you see where this is going?
“Not even 30 minutes after my boyfriend started acting off, both the roommate and girlfriend started projectile vomiting. I mean literally spewing all over the bathroom. It was a f*cking sight to see. I grabbed them both water and tried to get them situated in bed, but the girlfriend was shaking so badly, she was convinced she was about to seize,” Bloch said. “After an hour, I heard the girlfriend scream my name from the other room. She was shaking so badly and couldn’t stop throwing up. She was making some insane claims that she was ‘not in the right universe’ and begging for someone to bring her back to ‘our realm’.”
Night terrors are no joke, especially in a city as dangerous as Jacksonville. “Then around 4 a.m., my boyfriend shot out of bed in full panic. Genuinely believed he was dying. I had to wet a wash cloth with cold water and set it over his eyes to calm him down. He didn’t wake up until 2:30 pm, the next day. It was crazy,” she added.” And for my boyfriend, his high lasted for THREE DAYS. The following day, he was slurring his words, could hardly walk and had the shakes, bad. And that went on for another full day. By the third, he was feeling better. Just very aloof and nauseous.”
Having survived this long dark night of the soul, our dear Jenny did what she should have done before her friends ate that stuff and looked it up online. “When I did my own research on TCHP all I saw was that it’s like 30% stronger than any cannabis or cannabinoid on the market right now. Plus, one serving size is a fifth of the gummy. We figured that out a week later,” Bloch said. “I’m sure if they took a smaller amount the reaction wouldn’t have been so intense. They all definitely just ‘greened out’, but they smoke and take gummies pretty often so that reaction from all of them was scary. I’m glad I was sober, so I could be the mom of the group for the night.”
The kids are all right, but they got lucky. Had they been somewhere other than at home, they could have easily ended up in jail, or the hospital, or kidnapped and forced to pick seasonal fruits and vegetables for slave wages, or even married to Floyd Mayweather, which is a whole different type of horror show.
Drugs are bad, m’kay?