Shelton Hull
Words by Shelton Hull
Well, we’re now settled into 2023 quite proper, and any hopes that this year will herald a return to relative normalcy have been dashed faster than a Tourette’s patient using Morse code.
MGA Entertainment, best known for making Bratz dolls, is now facing legal action over its new Poopsie Slime Surprise, little unicorn dolls that poop, which isn’t a problem itself. The issue is their theme song, “My Poops,” is a transparent ripoff of “My Humps” which was a big hit for Black Eyed Peas in 2005. The suit also claims that the leader of pooping unicorns looks like Fergie (formerly of the BEP), and she’s probably thrilled to see her name brought up in this context.
Let’s keep talking about poop, because why not? Penguins poop 🐧 and it’s a problem for the humans tasked with studying them. You thought we already knew everything about penguins? Nahhh, bruh!brush! Their poop creates a variety of greenhouse gases, one of which is nitrous oxide, aka laughing gas, aka whip-its. Scientists from Denmark and China fell ill while studying a group of 300,000 king penguins in the deep South Atlantic. It was later determined that their symptoms were caused by just a few hours of exposure to the guano gas. I guess now we know how they got those happy feet.
A sailor from Dominica is starting his year off in the most unlikely condition: he’s still alive. He was quite lucky, having survived some 24 days at sea after he and his sailboat were swept out to sea during repairs in St. Martin. Having not planned for such an ordeal, he had nothing in terms of provisions, save for garlic powder, Maggi and ketchup, which he mixed with rainwater to create a magic potion that somehow kept him alive. We applaud his ingenuity under lethal conditions, and commend him for giving a whole new meaning to the phrase “struggle meal”. It’s only funny because it worked out ok.
It was USA Today, we believe, who first broke news late last year of an ongoing investigation by the Pentagon. Now, that could mean damn near anything, and it usually does. These fine men of the US Army have apparently been thirst trapping by spicing up their uniforms with bondage gear, including leashes, chains and even the occasional leather dog mask. Of course, this was highly frowned upon by the brass, although the K9 units are utterly suffered by online engagement. Officials are now trying to identify the weirdos, all of whom have been very bad boys, and they WILL be punished, offline.
The specific role of dreams in the human brain are still unclear, even as we know it has some fundamental importance. A new article in Scientific American posits that dreams can provide actionable intelligence in the fight against dementia. In particular, when people are physically acting out their dreams while asleep, it may be a sign of RBD, or “REM sleep behavioral disorder”, which affects about 1% of humans, most of whom will likely experience some form of neurodegenerative disease. It’s a small thing, but it will probably help improve a lot of people’s lives, eventually.
One thing that does NOT improve people’s lives, generally speaking, is guns. We need them, sure, but not as much as we think. A hunter in Kansas found that out the hard way, just a couple of weeks ago, when he was accidentally killed with his own gun. The shooter just happened to be his own dog, who stepped on the weapon while on the back seat of his truck. The bullet went through the front seat and into his torso. They tried to save him, but he had no shot, as it were. No word on what happened to the dog, but one hopes he gets a pardon. If Alec Baldwin gets a pass, why not him?
We’ll wrap up right here in Florida because that’s our birthright, I guess. A teacher in Franklin County was forced to resign, mere months short of retirement, after the local sheriff switched her out she got caught doing “intimate video chats” on the job with her boyfriend, who currently resides in the county jail. Ultimately, she only harmed herself, so hopefully she can claim her full pension. Our teachers get so little; let them have a little joy!
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