Folio Weed: Romancing the Stoned

Words by Shelton Hull

 

Valentine’s Day is either right before or right after you read this, so it seems a good time to look briefly at how cannabis can enhance the reader’s romantic life. As always, our (possibly deliberate) failure to get the plant fully legalized here puts some limits on the options available, but online readers in more advanced states can take advantage of the full spectrum. 

Gentle reader, be forewarned that we’ll be talking about sex here today. It’s a natural thing, practiced by all animal species around the world throughout history, including the most dangerous animal of all, humans. Your earthly existence is the result of sex. Heck, you may have it yourself on occasion, but that is entirely your business. 

Cannabis has been utilized in fertility rituals and other forms of Sex Magick for probably as long as humans have known about the plant. Any substance that helps people relax and break down inhibitions will have its romantic value. Modern pop culture has seen it used by folks like Aleister Crowley, Charles Manson and Hassan Sabbah, but those are terrible examples. That is one area where the Anslinger types were right: cannabis does bring people together, whether it’s a political rally or a recording session or a movie set. 

Cannabisseurs looking for love this Valentine’s Day or looking at love should start with a few quick tips: 1) Whatever your preferred smoking implement is, clean it thoroughly. Breaking in a new tool is also a fun bonding exercise, particularly if the new item is a gift for your paramour. 2) Get fresh flower, and have a backup lighter. A good perky puff hits different, and it makes a good impression. 3) Spend a bit extra on fancy rolling papers or a high-quality blunt wrap. Aesthetics are what make special occasions, um, special. 

Now that you have secured the bag, let’s discuss the products to fill it. There are a wide range of cannabis-based lubes, delivering CBD and/or THC via a variety of emollients, many of which are legal in Florida. Beyond that, countless companies make massage oils and lotions which can also have similar uses. Obviously, ask your doctor before trying, and maybe your lawyer, too. Any good dispensaries will have something that meets your needs. 

The Cannadom company markets actual condoms that are not made from cannabis, but are infused with authentic cannabis flavor. Will they get you high? No, but that’s probably not a problem for anyone who would buy something like this. They also sell bacon-flavored condoms (which is even weirder) both in packs of up to 100.

Whoopi Goldberg is one of the funniest people ever, but she’s quite serious about women’s health. In 2016 (perfect timing), she launched whoopiandmaya.com to sell feminine health products that are infused with cannabis. This makes perfect sense, since the plant has been used for centuries to help with cramps, bloating and other symptoms, whether smoked, used as edibles or taken internally. The original incarnation closed during the pandemic, but Goldberg is back in business, along with other woman-owned companies doing similar work.

The market for hemp clothing is growing steadily, ranging from suits to sneakers to outerwear. That also includes underwear made by a bunch of interesting companies like Nomads, Magi, Object Apparel (my favorites, for some reason) and WAMA. These are more functional than frisky, designed more for athletes than as lingerie. But more sophisticated designs are surely coming soon, and there are plenty already perfect for boating, beaches and general lounging. 

If you’re feeling extra frisky, one way to add a little spice to your relationship may be to introduce one of the many pot-themed sex toys available on sites like Etsy. Now, this is a family publication, so I’ll spare you any details. Suffice to say, though, that in the era of 3D printers, you can fill in any gap you want, literally. 

Now, all of these are fine enough ideas, but if you don’t have time or money for mail order or a run to the dispensary, consider something very basic, like taking some edible chocolates and melting them under low heat in the microwave, then dipping the berries of your choice. Or try drizzling some warm cannabutter over oysters; you could put some in a squeeze-bottle and take it to the restaurant with you. If you can’t make friends that way, then you’re just beyond help, but everyone deserves love, so good luck! 

About Shelton Hull

Shelton Hull has been writing for Folio Weekly since 1997, but his resume goes back even further. He has written for almost every newspaper, magazine and zine in Northeast Florida, as well as publications like Orlando Weekly, Narrow GNV, Creative Loafing Tampa, Charleston City Paper, Ink19 and The Atlantic. He currently writes the "Folio Weed" column, which he created in 2018; he remains one of the widest-read and most influential cannabis writers in the world today. He also compiles material for "Weird Wild Stuff" column, and he previously wrote the legendary "Money Jungle" column for Folio Weekly from 1999 to 2009. He is a regular contributor to "First Coast Connect" on WJCT, as well as the Jacksonville Music Experience. He is a co-host of "The Contrast Project" and the "Bold City Civics" podcast. He is also a co-founder of the record label Bold City Music Productions. He can be reached at sheltonhull@gmail.com.