Weird Wild Stuff

Weird Wild Stuff

Words by Shelton Hull

Well, 2022 is almost over now, and thank God for that. This year has been so crazy that even I, whose job involves compiling crazy news stories, think it’s been a bit much. For locals, it has been defined largely by stress, drama, extreme violence and persistent tragedy, and I’m not even talking about politics right now. But, like the man said, we don’t do that here. The whole point of this column is to make you laugh, even if it does come at the expense of our fellow man or woman, most of whom are just trying to get by and make their way in this crazy, unpredictable world. The fact that many of them are just foolish AF is a comparatively minor point. Let’s end this first year of Weird Wild Stuff with a flourish, shall we?

All year, we have watched in utter confusion at one of the strangest crime sprees in recent memory: well-meaning but otherwise ridiculously misguided environmental activists vandalizing some of the world’s most important art. We’ve seen at least 25 different pieces of art attacked at museums and galleries in London, Rome, Barcelona, Berlin, Oslo, Florence, Dresden, Madrid, Paris, Potsdam, Glasgow, Melbourne, Manchester, Milan and the Hague, as well as a Starbucks counter in Manhattan. Now, add <three> more to that list, two of which happened in Vienna, where two folks glued themselves to a dinosaur statue at the city’s Natural History Museum before a second group went after “Death and Life” by Gustav Klimt later that week. Also, Vancouver had two women glue their hands to an Emily Carr painting after dousing it with a liquid that turned out to be—what else?—maple syrup.

No proper “WWS” column is complete without news from Florida, so turn thine eyes to Hialeah, where a woman has filed suit against Kraft—not Robert Kraft, as you might expect—but Kraft Foods, makers of Velveeta Shells & Cheese. It’s a very popular product among readers of our monthly weed column, but only a true savage could find any fault with it. Enter Florida Woman, who filed a $5 million lawsuit in a U.S. district court, basically claiming fraud. You see, the box claims that you can make it in three and a half minutes, but that only includes the microwavery, and not the other steps, like adding water and stirring. The company calls her suit “frivolous,” and for once, corporate America is actually right.

We noted a story in May where a bride conspired with her caterer to dose the guests at her own wedding, which happened in Florida, of course. “Hold my Foster’s,” says Australia, where a farmer in Hobart, Tasmania was doing great business growing flowers that she supplied to florists and private customers. Turns out, though, the pretty pink poppies she sold for a wedding were actually composed of two illegal varieties used mainly for making opium. She’s no Tasmanian Devil, but she ain’t no angel, either.

Speaking of drugs, we know that abuse occurs in all segments of society. Be it race, gender, income level, nationality, politics or religion, we are all vulnerable. Even Buddhist monks, as we discovered last month in Phetchabun, Thailand, where an abbot and three others were made to leave the premises after testing positive for meth. To be fair, the drug could be quite useful in aiding their famously intense meditation sessions, but that is no excuse. It is really no laughing matter, though: Meth abuse and meth-related seizures are at an all-time high in Thailand, and the government has begun massive crackdowns after a rogue cop shot 37 people dead after being fired, due to his meth addiction. Drugs are bad, m’kay?

Let’s wrap this up with some legitimately great news: 2022 marks the 50th anniversary of Title IX, which outlawed gender discrimination in education and sparked the explosive growth in women’s athletics on the amateur and pro levels. Say hello to The Sports Bra, a sports bar in Portland, Oregon dedicated exclusively to women’s sports. But it’s not just about programming, as all the bar’s beer, liquor, meat and even furniture are sourced from women-owned businesses. They were even able to crowdfund over $100,000 after being denied a loan. It’s a great gimmick, and science-based: Studies have shown that 95% of TV sports coverage is centered on men, which means higher costs to stream the stuff. A state like Florida, whose women athletes have dominated on every level, would benefit by doing the same. It’s nice to end our look back at 2022 with a look toward the future.