Words by Carmen Macri
He enslaves hundreds, breaks into millions of homes a year and preys on children specifically.
I mean, I am not sure why the world is so in love with this (dare I say) predator. The lore of ol’ St. Nick dates to 200 A.D., back when he was a 5-foot-tall Turkish man who shared all of his generosity with children alone (OK, weird)
We have all heard the song: “he sees you when you’re sleeping; he knows when you’re awake.” I am sorry? How? How does this diabetic old fart know when I am sleeping? What does he do with that information? Does that mean he always has eyes on us 24/7? What about during intimate times? Or when I’ve had too much Taco Bell? The song never goes on to explain how he knows when we are sleeping. There is only one person on this entire planet that could do these things and get away with them, and it is Santa Claus. If my uncle were to have little children lined up to sit on his lap while he promises them gifts and candy… he would be spending 25 to life in prison.
I grew up on “South Park” and “Family Guy” who never missed a beat when it came to calling out Kris Kringle and his creepy gang of cannibalistic reindeer and inbred elves (if you know, you know.) Listen, I get it, free presents are the best! But why can’t we give our parents the credit? Why do we have to give it to this judgmental slug? Seriously, I don’t think anyone is more of a critic than Santa Claus. If you are bad, you get a lump of dirty coal. What if you just had a bad year? Sometimes things happen. But no, if Santa deems you “naughty,” you get coal and only coal.
It is crazy to me that the man who is stalking children and breaking and entering assumes the power to dictate whether I have been naughty or nice. Meanwhile, this man belongs to the world’s most wanted. Are you kidding me? I would not be surprised if he took himself a little something from every home too… Maybe that’s where everyone’s socks go? We blame it on the washer, but I think I might know who the real culprit is.
And not to mention Santa’s evil counterpart Krampus. How does someone so jolly have a demon working with him to punish the bad children? He is rocking horns and half a goat’s body. He comes Christmas night to torture all the naughty children… is that what the song meant when it said “he knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake.” Was it a warning? So much so that the Christian church fought so hard to ban Krampus from being associated with Christmas, but you can’t fight the truth!
There are dozens of Reddit threads under r/unpopularopinions. One was posted by a user about how universally creepy he thinks Santa is, but that’s not what caught my eye. It was a comment left under the post explaining how in their country they have thirteen Santas (Yule Lads) who live in a remote area in the mountains. For the 13 days leading to Christmas, the children are to leave their shoes out on the doorstep for the Yule Lads (foot fetish?) in exchange for a present. If the children don’t leave shoes out for the deranged foot-loving Santas, they have a cat that will eat the mischievous children.
So, I guess every culture has its own tradition where a creepy old man (or 13) preys on children.