Shelton Hull
We took a mulligan on last month’s column for two reasons: 1) the debacle involving Will Smith and Chris Rock was easily the stupidest thing that happened in that period, and there was just no point in trying to top that; and 2) since last month’s issue was our special 420 edition, you were all probably celebrating the occasion, in which case you’d find everything hilarious anyway. So, now we’re back to business and have we got some ridiculous stories for you!
Let’s begin in the state that almost single-handedly made this column necessary: Florida. Specifically, the hilariously-named Longwood, whose entire population could fit snugly inside our arena downtown. Two women were recently arrested down there for drugging the guests at a wedding. Of course, the caterer took the fall, but so did the actual bride, who allegedly put her up to it. Tradition demands that one must indulge the bride’s every possible whim on her big day, but this lady apparently overestimated the hipness of her assembled friends and family, some of whom ended up vomiting or even unconscious. Edibles are very strong and difficult to establish consistent dosages. Everybody’s body processes the stuff differently, so giving edibles (or any drug) to anyone without their permission is not only a God-level party foul, but also illegal. But ultimately, however, the funny thing is not what she did, but the fact that anyone minded. I can only assume that those particular guests were not from #Florida.
From there, we go to the beautiful San Joaquin Valley in California, which has a thriving cattle industry that doesn’t get as much attention as similar operations in the Southwest. It’s a hard, dirty job with literal tons of byproducts, including methane, which they’re producing in such abundance that it can be detected from space. In just one day, satellites measured the output of methane gas at over a thousand pounds per hour, which is more than even the U.S. Senate. If trends hold firm year-round (which they should, because cattle farts are pretty consistent), this single feedlot will produce an estimated 5,116 tons of methane. Consider that this particular lot is tiny, compared to many others around the world, and you have a sense of the environmental impact this stuff can have. But there are ancillary benefits, in theory, because that much methane could power over 15,000 homes, although no one knows how to do that yet.
Louisiana is lovely, as you know, and football fans regard it as one of the elite locales in the entire country. The Superdome is ubiquitous worldwide, but an underrated gem is Tiger Stadium in Baton Rouge, which has hosted LSU games since 1924. With a capacity of just over 100,000, most of whom are residents of Louisiana, it’s widely regarded as one of the loudest facilities of any type ever made. Case in point: a Garth Brooks concert there recently registered as a small earthquake on a seismograph located about a quarter-mile away. Even weirder, this happened before, when LSU beat Auburn in October 1988—with only 80% capacity.
Just when you think mankind has cornered the market on sketchy behavior, here come the animals to remind us why they’re called “animals.” Two dolphins were spotted swimming down a river in Bolivia not long ago, both bois in a state of heightened sexual arousal. Dolphins, as you may know, are deeply and pathologically perverted, frat boys of the sea, but these fellas had sub-zero chill. This tremendously tumescent twosome’s frolic was augmented by the most dangerous pool noodle ever seen: “Eunectes beniensis,” a species of anaconda that is non-venomous but can still grow to upwards of 10 feet, easy. Scientists have never seen this before, though they do spend a lot of time looking. I would suggest maybe taking a sample of that river water and testing it like Olympic athletes’s tinkle. I don’t know what industries are popular in that area, but I do know that Evo Morales was El Presidente for 13 years; that alone would count as probable cause in many jurisdictions.
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