The END is Nigh

Having suffered through these many, many, many months, we the people are eager to be put out of our election 2016 misery.

Rejoice! By the time the next issue of Folio Weekly appears in your inbox, newsfeed, watering hole or newsstand on Nov. 9, this will all be like a fever dream (nightmare) — unless some angry deity or pumpkin-colored, rage-addicted, verbally incontinent loser (or hanging chads) holds us hostage until the eight members of the Supreme Court wrestle this thing to bed, in which case the smart money’s on Notorious RBG and her band of merry moderates.

But, so long as we’re still caught in what would be a food-poisoning-induced hallucination in a kinder reality, let’s have one last election 2016 hurrah for old time’s sake, kinda like that sweaty grope you shared with your high school flame in the coatroom at your 20th reunion. #LoveHandlesHandled

I promise to make this brief.

On Nov. 8, vote policy, not personality.

If you believe healthcare decisions are between a woman and her doctor; the U.S. should honor its trade agreements and treaties; climate change is real and man-made; we should invest in clean energy and reduce reliance on fossil fuels; tough on crime has been tough on America; LGBTQ citizens deserve equal protection from discrimination; all people should have the right to marry whoever they choose; and violent offenders, people being investigated for terrorism and those with domestic violence injunctions shouldn’t be able to waltz into a gun show and emerge armed to the teeth — vote Clinton.

If you think doctors and women should be imprisoned for healthcare decisions regarding family planning (bring back the wire coat hanger); withdrawing from NATO and potentially singlehandedly triggering a worldwide recession or depression will improve the U.S. economy (it’s a lose-lose, which is kinda like a win-win, right?); 97 percent of climate scientists are wrong — climate change is not man-made, it’s a “hoax perpetuated by the Chinese” or naturally occurring (either way, you’ll get a nice, even tan. In Canada. In December.); we should allow companies to drill, farm and mine on federal lands and waterways (screw you, right whales and Florida panthers!); although we have the largest prison industrial complex and highest percentage of incarcerated citizens in the history of the world — tough on crime ain’t tough enough (key = thrown away); we should codify law permitting discrimination against LGBTQ people (it’s the American way); the state should not afford same-sex couples the same rights, incentives and protections as opposite-sex couples (the second anniversary is the one where your marriage is invalidated by an act of Congress); and there is no such thing as a reasonable restriction of the right to bear arms (who wants a scud missile?!) — vote Cheeto Hitler.

If you share many of Hillary Clinton’s beliefs but deviate on a few key issues: if you’re a skosh more liberal, cast a ballot for Stein/Baraka; if you’re a skosh more conservative, vote for Johnson/Weld. (Overgeneralizations put the ‘fun’ in dysfunctional! Direct all angry letters to Breitbart News Network.) This might just be third parties’ best chance to pass that 5 percent threshold and become eligible for general election funding. So what if it’s nowhere near enough to mount a successful presidential campaign in a post-Citizens United America? And so what if it’s restrictions are so arduous that neither major party has taken the dough since 2008? Twenty million bucks buys more votes than a couple of guys in mom jeans talking to kids on Snapchat about legalizing marijuana (that presidential candidate’s nose hair was very persuasive).

If you’re still not convinced to vote for anyone BUT the candidate who has made statements that, if they were to become national policy, would easily lead to a global war, which seems an acceptable outcome to he-who-shall-not-be-blamed, who catapulted to the nomination by preying on fears, insecurities and ignorance, who has never held an elected office nor served the public in any official capacity (scaring the bejeebus out of half the nation doesn’t count), then by all means, vote for Cheeto Hitler.

But if you’re tired of hearing about how awful, bad, no-good, terrible, sickening, ugly, unfair, rigged, ridiculous, pathetic and disgusting people and our democracy are, vote for anyone else.

Also, vote No on Amendment 1, Yes on Amendment 2, and do your civic duty by all the other candidates on the ballot, which is to say, take the time to educate yourself about their stances on the issues and vote for the one whose politics you agree with regardless of how handsome they look on TV. Politics ain’t a football game where you root for your team, it’s the way we, the people, govern ourselves. And it’s not a right (especially not in Florida), nor a privilege, it’s a responsibility.

I apologize to any Cheetos who were offended by this message.