Five Future City Council Moratoriums

On Tuesday, Aug. 18, Jacksonville City Council’s Land Use and Zoning committee approved the moratorium on Charlotte’s Web, banning the cultivation and sale of the non-intoxicating strain of cannabis sativa. Apparently, seizure medication for epileptic children is the latest casualty of the local drug war.

During a discussion about the location of dispensaries, one councilperson even made a stunning you-missed-the-point statement, likening them to methadone clinics.

“They throw these things out there and they’re faulty assumptions and it’s hard to get away from them,” said one attendant.

With this in mind, here are a few ideas about future City Council moratoriums that are guaranteed to spread peace, prosperity and sobriety throughout Duval County.

Clearly the Woodster has an intoxicating effect on everything he touches. Consider the Riverside Arts Market: No way can organic vegetables alone make Jacksonvillians so jubilant. And with Wood’s help, Hemming Park has morphed from a den of denizens with dubious drives into a fairyland of sitar players, cleverly named food trucks and business casual. It’s not just the homeless anymore — these days, everyone who frequents Hemming Park is obviously high on something.

Every year, the city’s jelly palms shed masses of orange-colored fruit, which then ferment into piles of drugs for squirrels and birds. Why do you think local Canada geese refuse to migrate? And it goes without saying that drunk squirrels are an absolute menace to society. An absolute menace.

So what if the Florida Legislature leapt off its laurels and passed a measure that could have no better name than “No Brainer”? Everyone knows craft beer can be safely consumed only in the privacy of one’s own home from either gallon or quart-sized containers. Public health and safety erodes every time a hipster buys Engine 15’s Rye of the Tiger, Green Room’s Count Shak-U-La, or anything from Bold City Brewery, Intuition Ale Works, Aardwolf, or Ancient City Brewing, in a half-gallon container.

The count of common sense has already put NE Florida at risk with his July visit, which, like a gateway drug, got even this magazine under a Weekend at Bernie’s spell. Our own editor was so inebriated that he wrote — and published — this drug-addled line, “Unicorns! A whole herd of unicorns!” If we don’t act now, it will be much, much worse than just a Jacksonville-based Tumblr and Facebook page advocating for Sanders in 2016: They might open a local campaign office!

If you’ve ever been to Sweet Pete’s Downtown, you know that no group of people could be so filled with joy and good tidings without illicit intoxicants coursing through their bloodstreams. We need a moratorium on Sweet Pete’s immediately! (Folio Weekly is getting fat on peanut butter meltaways.)

We urge you all to write to your city councilperson right away and urge them to enact moratoriums on these — and any other — intoxicating individuals, crops and confectionaries. Think of the children!


Correction: A previous version of this article said the moratorium was unanimously approved by city council. The moratorium was recently approved by the Land Use and Zoning Committee.