ALEISTER CROWLEY’S GNOSTIC MASS
“Kiernan, quit fiddling with your black cloak!” Although “The Great Beast” Aleister Crowley (1875-1947) was a pioneering occultist, writer, mountaineer, eager polysexualist and unrepentant dope fiend, alas, his views on children’s birthday party event-planning remain lost to the ages. However, the Gnostic Mass (1913), which calls for the consumption of both wine and bodily fluids (or “Cakes of Light”) remains a crowning achievement in ceremonial magick that should appeal to moody children. This party idea is a great way to finally use up those extra three “6” birthday candles, and the ritual is a surefire way to put your kid on a “no call list” for any event while rightfully conjuring child protective services.
After ingesting felony amounts of sugar, red dye 40 and high fructose corn syrup, what kid doesn’t want to sleep for four to six hours? This slumber-filled soirée can be accomplished with the use of low lighting, comfortable bedding, warm milk and cueing up the director commentaries of Werner Herzog played at low volume. The child who sleeps the longest is awarded with a new onesie (supplies permitting).
MEET YOUR AREA PHARMACEUTICAL REP
Nothing says “Happy Birthday!” like a swinging, colorful piñata in the shape of Pillie the Parrot, chockfull of Ritalin, Seroquel and other childhood pharmacopeia delights! While the now-medicated youngsters frolic (ever so slowly) ’round the yard, a pharmaceutical representative assigned to your district offers the borderline-addicted tykes brochures, promotional items and a fun PowerPoint presentation on current laboratory-tested medications for a variety of childhood ills, real or imagined.
A STERN LECTURE ON AGING
We believe it was 18th-century poet William Blake who wrote, “As childhood ends, hence the horror begins.” This one-of-kind party will “wow” those little wonders with an hours-long lecture by a bitter septuagenarian on the encroaching anguish of dementia and/or apraxia. Fiber-rich, sugar-free artisanal cupcakes and prune juice, -themed party favors and complimentary cardigans will make this birthday party fun for all ages — or at least for Grandpa and Mom-Mom.
CAPTAIN CLEAN-UP & SANITARY SAMMY
Dressed in full costume, this dirt-destroying dynamic duo guides your lil’ guests through the “Do’s and Don’ts” of post-party-cleanup as well as proper environmental cleaning and hygienic site maintenance. Price includes live music by DJ Dirt B. Gone, all sanitation products, kid-sized HazMat suits and coloring books based on the most up-to-date EPA protocols.
HEY, KIDS – LET’S CARRY LUMBER!
The average child ages 6-11 can easily lift an estimated 12 pounds. You backyard deck has been unfinished for three months. There are 30 kids expected to come to this lousy birthday party. Do the math. This fun-filled day allows the kids to work “like real grownups” while learning values including teamwork, diligence, deference and silence. Better yet, when this project is complete, the tired little worker-bees can enjoy ice cream and cake, muscle liniments and the satisfaction of knowing how hard Mommy and Daddy have to work each day to pay for this goddamn birthday party.