HOW TO HAVE A SUCCESSFUL BIRTHDAY PARTY

THE WORST BIRTHDAY PARTIES EVER
by Daniel A. Brown

Aleister Cowley’s Gnostic Mass
“Kiernan, quit fiddling with your black cloak!” Although “The Great Beast” Aleister Crowley (1875-1947) was a pioneering occultist, writer, mountaineer, eager polysexualist and unrepentant dope fiend, alas, his views on children’s birthday party event-planning remain lost to the ages. However, the Gnostic Mass (1913), which calls for the consumption of both wine and bodily fluids (or “Cakes of Light”) remains a crowing achievement in ceremonial magick that should appeal to moody children. This party idea is a great way to finally use up those extra three “6” birthday candles, and the magick ritual is a surefire way to put your kid on a “no call list” for any event while rightfully conjuring child protective services.

Napping Contest
After ingesting felony amounts of sugar, red dye 40 and high fructose corn syrup, what kid doesn’t want to sleep for four to six hours? This slumber-filled soirée can be accomplished with the use of low lighting, comfortable bedding, warm milk and cueing up the director commentaries of Werner Herzog played at low volume. The child who sleeps the longest is awarded with a new Frozen onesie (supplies permitting).

Meet Your Area Pharmaceutical Rep
Nothing says “Happy Birthday!” like a swinging, colorful piñata in the shape of Pillie the Parrot, chockfull of Ritalin, Seroquel and other childhood pharmacopeia delights! While the now-medicated youngsters frolic (ever so slowly) ’round the yard, a pharmaceutical representative assigned to your district offers the borderline-addicted tykes brochures, promotional items and a fun PowerPoint presentation on current laboratory-tested medications for a variety of childhood ills, real or imagined.

A Stern Lecture on Aging
We believe it was 18th-century poet William Blake who wrote, “As childhood ends, hence the horror begins.” This one-of-kind party will “wow” those little wonders with an hours-long lecture by a bitter septuagenarian on the encroaching anguish of dementia and/or apraxia. Fiber-rich, sugar-free artisanal cupcakes and prune juice, Matlock-themed party favors and complimentary cardigans will make this birthday party fun for all ages — or at least for Grandpa and Mom-Mom.

Captain Clean-up & Sanitary Sammy
Dressed in full costume, this dirt-destroying dynamic duo guides your lil’ guests through the “Do’s and Don’ts” of post-party-cleanup as well as proper environmental cleaning and hygienic site maintenance. Price includes live music by DJ Dirt B. Gone, all sanitation products, kid-sized HazMat suits and coloring books based on the most up-to-date EPA protocols.

HEY, KIDS – Let’s Carry Lumber!
The average child ages 6-11 can easily lift an estimated 12 pounds. You backyard deck has been unfinished for three months. There are 30 kids expected to come to this lousy birthday party. Do the math. This fun-filled day allows the kids to work “like real grownups” while learning values including teamwork, diligence, deference and silence. Better yet, when this project is complete, the tired little worker-bees can enjoy ice cream and cake, muscle liniments and the satisfaction of knowing how hard Mommy and Daddy have to work each day to pay for this goddamn birthday party.

Marlene Dryden

Another birthday on the calendar? Happens to us all — another year older (and deeper in debt, as the song went), as long as we live. And for each child you call your own, you must throw a party, at least up to about age 11 or 12. After that, all they want is whatever new device Apple is making, or the cash to buy their own Apple devices.

And there’s pressure. The pressure to outdo your neighbors, in-laws and the parents of every single child in every single class and/or organization your kid’s involved in.

They had a sparkly Frozen-themed party, with the soundtrack playing incessantly THE ENTIRE TIME? You have to hire actual humans to portray the animated royal sisters. And you have to build a real mountain.

Or you could just hire a local balloon artist who will twist various balloons into shapes resembling Disney characters. Jacksonville Balloon Animals or A Twist of Fun Balloon Art are two local companies ready to blow and twist.

Face-painting can be cute, but for the edgy tween, opt for temporary tattoos. Airtat BodyArt Temporary Airbrush Tattoos & Face-Painting will craft G-rated designs, or body art that would win over the saltiest sailor; either way, the (temp)ink lasts at least a week and is easily removed with rubbing alcohol.

Here’s a destination option that takes the onus of planning, coordinating, transporting and smiling off you and puts it squarely on them. Jacksonville Ice & Sportsplex on the Southside has three party packages, all of which at the very least involve a sport, a table, food, drink and a “gift for the birthday child.” (You know you’ll forget to get your little angel a gift, or you’ll forget to wrap it — bam! problem solved.)

The Museum of Science & History on the Southbank is a great place to host a birthday bash for children who are interested in reptiles, chemistry or outer space or children who just want to race from floor to floor surrounded by bones, weird science and celestial interpretations. MOSH’s Year of the River initiative should raise awareness of the St. Johns River — though not birthday-party specific, programs geared for kids include Springs Eternal, Little Learners YOTR and Homeschool Days YOTR.

In keeping with the push to get kids off the couch and out the door, let us suggest Tree Hill Nature Center, a resource for environmental and sustainability education in the wilds of Arlington. But don’t let that put you off — Tree Hill offers birthday party packages every day, fashioned to suit any age or interest. Picnic spaces, goat feedings, animal encounters and trail tours are among the features available. Or you can just rent the picnic space and let the kids enjoy nature at their own pace.

Your kid is the next Kelly Slater? Dude. Get that pollywog on some kind of board in some body of water. Jax Surf & Paddle in Neptune Beach has a Kids Surf or SUP Birthday Party package that will elevate the social status of your progeny in the bleary eyes of their peers for years to come.

Where are the bounce houses? Everywhere — so quell that urge to rent one. If you really, really, pleasemomplease, gotta have a bounce house, be sure it’s from a reliable rental source. Get the appropriate size for the age of the partygoers; some companies will include a toddler size along with the massive bigger-kid inflatables.

We know you’d never willingly allow your child to ingest anything artificial, right? No worries — Sweet Pete’s, in the heart of Downtown Jacksonville, creates confections of the purest ingredients, including real cane sugar. There are also vegan, sugar-free, gluten-free and nut-free choices. Sweet Pete’s offers candy-making themed party options for lollipops, taffy, candy canes and chocolate pizzas, among others.

Here are more places to take your tykes to celebrate their big day — assuming you do not want your new expensive wood floors marred by 50 pairs of shoes that aren’t sneakers, or those lovely azalea bushes ripped up by the roots so the kids can have a wider space for “Red Rover,” and assuming you cannot face making another damn pink sheet cake dedicated to imaginary Disney women who were born into royalty, whose status and riches your daughter will never be able to reach, dashing her self-esteem, causing her to later fall into activities you’d rather not envision.

Skate Station Funworks, where kids can … skate. And have fun. funworks.com/mandarin

Adventure Landing, in Jax Beach, St. Augustine and the Westside. Go-karts, minigolf, arcade games, food and a “party captain” in charge. Parents do nothing stressful (except pay).

Artoga, with themes like Mermaid, Dance-Dance, Dog Show Tea Party, Backward Circus. At their site or yours. artoga.org

Batt Family Fun Center. Bowling! On the Westside! They do the planning, decorating, cooking, entertaining and cleaning up after. Noisy, athletic fun. battfamilyfuncenter.com

Black Creek Outfitters Rock Climbing. This is a great idea — kids climbing walls instead of parents
climbing walls. On the Southside, Black Creek Outfitters provide an instructor/belayer, gear and the wall. Duh. blackcreekoutfitters.com

Chuck E. Cheese’s. That’s right, the Cheesemouse endures. In Arlington and Orange Park, Chuck and his pals still rock out, awkwardly, as videos play. Plus: A kid checking system to help keep track of the birthday party guests who spill out from your grasp like mercury from a broken thermometer. chuckecheese.com

Remember, Mom and Dad and Grammy and Pop Pop, it’s not your day. It’s the kid’s day. So let them have fun and give yourself a break, all at the same time. Winning.

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