February 4, 2015
3 mins read

The candles are lit, the champagne uncorked. You have carefully crafted an atmosphere of both coy intimacy and new sexual possibilities. DEAR GOD, DO NOT SCREW THIS UP. And most certainly do not nix the deal by dialing up the wrong soundtrack.

To ensure that you get some, the highly skilled technicians at the Folio Weekly Institute of Make-Out-Ology have been working around the clock (barring Friday through Tuesday, when they’re drunk) to analyze all manner of recordings that are the diametric opposite to any effective collection of auditory pieces that heat up the night.

Let the results of our team’s hard-won research help you avoid tanking your next suck-face session.

“East Bound and Down” — Jerry Reed

Unless you and your partner are turned on by blasting this 1977 country classic while groping each other during a high-speed car chase across state lines with a rascally sheriff in hot pursuit, don’t play this song.

Gen. Douglas MacArthur’s 1951 “Farewell to Congress” speech

While there’s always room for patriotism between the sheets, MacArthur’s historic speech — and its oft-quoted line that “old soldiers never die; they just fade away” — will go over like a fart at a funeral during a round of Denim Peek-A-Boo.

1910-1914: Black Magic Recordings — Aleister Crowley

Though British occultist Aleister Crowley (1875-1947) is an acknowledged pioneer of sex magick, these wax cylinder recordings of Crowley intoning a selection of spells, poetry and occult masses in a voice that sounds like a prim schoolteacher emoting through bad Romantic-era verse are sure to forever banish all magic from the backseat of your 1998 Geo Metro.

“I Love Living In Jacksonville, Florida” — Lawrence Walden

When this municipal-lovin’ tune went viral last December, we were certain that its snappy message, lilting melody, jazzy arrangement and video featuring what appears to be a small-yet-ardent cult of people wearing light-blue shirts would surely be the creative concoction this town needed to bring hormones to a roiling boil. We were wrong.

“Necrophobic” — Slayer

Nothing says “I love you but I have serious issues” like blasting this thrash metal classic from Slayer’s 1986 album Reign in Blood prior to groping. In 100 delicate seconds, Satan’s favorite four-piece blast a hemorrhaging hole into Valentine’s Day, with such “Will You Be Mine?” lyrics as: “Strangulation, mutilation, cancer of the brain/limb dissection, amputation from a mind deranged.” Footsie time!

“Slob on My Nob” — Three 6 Mafia

One would think that fans of bawdier auditory stimulation would be fired up while listening to this 1999 hip-hop humpfest, with its baleful pleading for fellatio and greasy, XXX stanzas like “Slob on my knob/like corn on the cob.” Yet many heated hopefuls have played this song only to find themselves decidedly turned off and resigned to awkwardly sharing some cold, leftover pulled pork while watching Long Island Medium on Netflix. There is such a thing as too much.

“I’m Called Little Buttercup” from Gilbert & Sullivan’s H.M.S. Pinafore

Nothing says “Get the hell off me!” like hitting “play” on this operatic number, featuring the delightful offerings of a dockside vendor in 19th-century Britain. “I’ve snuff and tobacky and excellent jacky,” boasts this sassy siren, as your partner considers chugging a bottle of floor cleaner to find eternal escape.

“The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald” — Gordon Lightfoot

In six-and-a-half minutes, Gordon “The Canadian Bob Dylan” Lightfoot’s epic ballad about the Nov. 10, 1975, sinking of the SS Edmund Fitzgerald in Lake Superior drowns the waves of rising passions. In fact, our experts tell us this somber maritime ballad is now used in many area ERs as a kind of sonic saltpeter to neutralize priapism resulting from the use of popular erectile dysfunction medications.

“Hamburger Lady” — Throbbing Gristle

The members of British quartet Throbbing Gristle are considered to be forefathers of the industrial and noise scenes. That being said, this cut from their 1978 album D.o.A: The Third and Final Report of Throbbing Gristle features a single drum beat, nauseating, chugging synths, and singer Genesis P-Orridge recounting the tale of a woman nearly charred to death. Unless you’re jacked up on so much ecstasy that even autoerotic asphyxiation sounds tantalizing — editor’s note: you do not have to be on E to get a little turned on by autoerotic asphyxiation, do you? — that this little jingle might put a crimp in your red satin sheets.

“Touch Me” — The Doors

No thanks, Jim. And lose the maracas.

Folio is your guide to entertainment and culture around and near Jacksonville, Florida. We cover events, concerts, restaurants, theatre, sports, art, happenings, and all things about living and visiting Jax. Folio serves more than two million readers across Jacksonville and Northeast Florida, including St. Augustine, The Beaches, and Fernandina.

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