SCARIEST PEOPLE: RICK SCOTT AND CHARLIE CRIST — THE TWO-HEADED MONSTER

To download a life-size version of this completely wearable, absolutely frightening Halloween mask, click here!

Here are your choices in Tuesday’s election, dear Florida voter: The dead-eyed cartoon villain, or the shamelessly ambitious Oompa-Loopma-hued chameleon; the governor whose company engineered the largest Medicare fraud in the history of the United States, or the governor whose right-hand man went to prison for fraud; the rich bastard who bought one election and is trying to buy another, or the greasy smooth-talking bastard who called himself “Chain Gang Charlie” until chain gangs went out of style; the guy who adopted a rescue dog during his first campaign and unloaded it soon thereafter, or the guy who fawned after John McCain until McCain ditched him for Sarah Palin; the chrome-domed ghoul who wants to turn this state into an ALEC playground, or the two-faced manipulator who would tell his aides things like “I don’t care about those fucking details!” and who (as his then-chief of staff told the Tampa Bay Times earlier this year), about a year or so into his term as governor, began to lose interest in the job. Yes, Florida, these are your choices. You have every right to be horrified at this two-headed monster. 

INSTRUCTIONS: Cut out mask. Cut holes at either end of the headband. Wrap the headband around your head and tie together. Go vote, because it’s your civic duty. Take a long, hot shower, because you feel disgusting. Cry yourself to sleep.