SCARIEST PEOPLE: MATT SHIRK

To download a life-size version of this completely wearable, absolutely frightening Halloween mask, click here!

Your phone buzzes. You pick it up — a text from the boss.
Want to meet me in my private office shower? 

Uhhhh … That’s a little creepers. 

In August, former administrative assistant Tiffany Ice filed a lawsuit against her ex-boss, Fourth Judicial Circuit Public Defender Matt Shirk, accusing him of sexual harassment (he also allegedly sent her an electronic greeting card that said, “I think if we had sex there would be very minimal awkwardness afterwards,” which allegedly did not produce the desired result, and probably would have in fact produced maximum awkwardness) and of having his chief of staff fire her soon after Shirk’s wife caught wind of his naughty text messages and barged into the office to confront her (drama!). 

Shirk has admitted to sending “inappropriate” texts (though not the shower one) and “funny e-cards” to female subordinates, and he also raised some eyebrows hiring two women straight out of a night club; as the Times-Union so delicately put it, he and one of them “were perceived by some in the office to have an unusually close relationship.” Both of those women were canned in June 2013 along with Ice, and then two of the office’s investigators resigned in protest over how the women’s employment was handled. 

Now Shirk is being investigated by a grand jury, and his wife has filed for divorce. But hey — Matt’s still in office, and he’s still got that pretty face and that million-dollar smile that makes the ladies swoon (but not quite enough to jump in the shower with him, apparently). 

INSTRUCTIONS: Cut out mask. Make holes for eyes. Douse yourself liberally with cologne, unbutton that shirt collar a little more and give the ladies what you know they really want.

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