To download a life-size version of this completely wearable, absolutely frightening Halloween mask, click here!

Local TV commercials are almost always amateurish, but no one around here turns up the schlock to 11 quite like Dr. Anthony Crothers, better known as Doc Tony.

Watching the straw cowboy hat and T-shirt-clad self-promoter standing in front of obviously fake backdrops, stiffly explaining his crack-and-pop chiropractic therapy to accident victims, is ironically much like watching a slow-motion car crash – gruesome to watch, impossible to turn away from. Speaking rhythmically about his practice, Doc’s torso gyrates like a boiling teakettle, his left hand seldom leaving his hip as his right hand thrusts toward the camera in a manner that, frankly, makes us a little uncomfortable.

And then there are the ferrets. In an ad called “Trust,” he holds two of the smelly little things – he calls them Ferret and Ferret, get it? – one in each hand, rambling through a quick-talking spiel about how ferrets come from the same family as weasels, and weasels can’t be trusted, and so … something something … you should trust him! And then he kisses them, which isn’t creepy at all. See how that works? Advertising magic.  

Remember, Jacksonville, he’s more than a catchy number, HE’S REEEEEEEEALLY SCARY!

INSTRUCTIONS: Cut out mask. Make holes for eyes. Wardrobe can be completed at Walmart. Ferrets optional.