SCARIEST PEOPLE: A RECENT TRAVELER TO SIERRA LEONE WITH VAGUELY FLU-LIKE SYMPTOMS

EVERYBODY. FREAK OUT!

She’s a missionary, or maybe an aid worker, or maybe a doctor. We don’t really know. We don’t even know her name, or what she looks like, or whether she mingled with the masses at the St. Johns Town Center last night, or went bowling, or dined at the Olive Garden. All we know is that the news reports say she just came back from West Africa, AND SHE HAS A FEVER. The reporter man on the television is speaking in VERY DIRE TONES, and the woman on the street he’s interviewing is panicked. We should close the border, she says.Stop all flights. Quarantine everyone. Why won’t Obama do something? 

OK, if you might permit us a moment of Real Talk: As the Internet meme informs us, more Americans have been married to Kim Kardashian than have died of Ebola. We’re not sure which prospect is more frightening. 

INSTRUCTIONS: Cut out mask. Make holes for eyes. For God’s sake, try not to sneeze on anybody. Oh, and wash your hands when you go to the bathroom.