I Wouldn’t Hurt You If You Married Me

Dustin Coyle, 34, was charged with domestic abuse in Oklahoma City in January, but it wasn’t his fault, he told police. His ex-girlfriend accused him (after she broke up with him) of swiping her cat and roughing it up, and punching, elbowing and sexually assaulting her. Coyle later lamented to cops that she and he were supposed to get married, but for some reason she changed her mind. “If she would just marry me, that would solve everything,” but, according to the police report, he’d settle for her to be his girlfriend again — or a one-night stand.