Dear North Carolina

Dear entire state of North Carolina: Please forward the following message to your customer service department … because I have a bone to pick with you! In the past, I’ve excluded you from my vicious rants about hillbillies, largely because — even though you’re squarely in the South — Clay Aiken was born there. However, there aren’t enough Clay Aikens in the world to make me forgive your recent vote in favor of Amendment One, which puts a state-wide ban on same-sex marriage, partnerships and civil unions.

This was dumb. Why? Because first of all, you were already banning those things. So going out of your way to make an actual law is just rude. Secondly, your state still allows people to marry their first cousins. I know, I know … if you were to ban those marriages, half the state would be forced to marry their sister or something. Thirdly, this decision doesn’t do a whole lot for your reputation. In the past, we thought of you like characters from “The Andy Griffith Show”: Quaint, polite small-town folk with strong moral values who, in general, minded their own goddamn business. Now, thanks to your recent (and redundant) vote, this is how the majority of America sees you:

(Ahem.) “MAW!! Git me mah squirrel rifle and that thar jug-a-moonshine! Them gol-dang Hollywood Jew queers are a-gonna force me to jump the broom [translation: enter into wedlock] with other men-folk! And I ain’t never gonna have no kinda sexual coitus intercourse with no other man! Unless it’s under these extenuatin’ circumstances: 1) He’s mah cousin, 2) He’s a fat salesman on a canoein’ trip who’s got a purty mouth and squeals like a pig, and c) Ah’m HORRRR-NAY! Yeeee-haw!! Pew! Pew! Pew! [Translation: Shooting rifle in the air.] And while I might do rude thangs, I shore ain’t gon’ marry him! ’Cuz marriage is only ’tween one man and one woman — preferably a first cousin.”

And fourthly, North Carolina, if you’re so keen on taking things away from people, then maybe we should take a few things away from you, such as your fast-food restaurants. (Like same-sex marriage, that stuff’s bad for you!) Or … oh, the hell with it! Let’s just take away your TV. Which is a shame, because you’re gonna miss all the great season finales this week!

Such as …

“30 Rock” (NBC, Thur., May 17, 8:30 p.m.) Liz is torn when she’s asked to officiate Jack’s and Avery’s vow renewal. ACKK! So much worse than same-sex marriage!

“The Simpsons” (FOX, Sun., May 20, 8 p.m.) Special guest star Lady Gaga helps Lisa be proud she was “Born This Way.” (Not gay … yellow. And with four fingers.)

“Modern Family” (ABC, Wed., May 23, 9 p.m.) While trying to adopt a baby from North Carolina, Mitch and Cam are horrified to discover the infant is inbred. (Look on the bright side; there’s only a 10 percent chance it’ll turn out gay!)

TUESDAY, MAY 15

8:00 FOX GLEE

A two-hour episode in which the kids go to Nationals and Lindsay Lohan‘s a judge. I don’t think I can bear it.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 16

10:00 ABC REVENGE

Charlotte plans on getting even with Declan, by using her hoo-hah full of … REVENGE!

10:00 TLC TODDLERS & TIARAS

This week’s toddler pageant features an “around the world” theme. Racism? I think that’s your cue.

THURSDAY, MAY 17

8:00 NBC COMMUNITY

Pierce fights for his inheritance and the gang offers to pitch in, even though they clearly hate him.

9:00 NBC COMMUNITY

Season finale! What?? Another new episode? Followed by the season finale? I’m happy, and smell shenanigans!

FRIDAY, MAY 18

9:00 NBC GRIMM

Season finale! The body count inches up, as does Nick’s impatience, during his search for a serial-killing monster.

9:30 DIS TRON: UPRISING, BECK’S BEGINNING

Debut! A new Tron series, about a hero’s quest to recapture the grid via wicked awesome light-cycle races.

SATURDAY, MAY 19

11:30 NBC SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

Season finale! Host: Mick Jagger! Musical guest: Mick Jagger! Moves like: Mick Jagger!

SUNDAY, MAY 20

9:00 PBS SHERLOCK

Season finale! Don’t miss “The Reichenbach Fall” where Sherlock, Moriarty and the second season ends with a “ker-sploosh!”

10:30 HBO GIRLS

Hannah visits her stingy parents who STILL refuse to support her bohemian, jobless NYC lifestyle! JERKS!

MONDAY, MAY 21

8:00 FOX HOUSE

Series finale! The final two-hour episode, “Everybody Dies.” Yesssssssss.

10:00 TLC I CLONED MY PET

Because … I Cloned My Pet.

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