by Brenton Crozier
You can just call me Brenton Cayce or maybe Jaxstradamus or perhaps we can go for something more sensational like The Amazing Crozier. I kind of like The Amazing Crozier, but whichever moniker you choose, be sure to use my incredible powers for good in the coming New Year. Here are my bold, and surely accurate predictions for 2011.
1. Apple will invent a device called the iPud that will experience an initial boom in sales, but will quickly decline as the confusion with the product’s uses are ironed out.
That’s right, the word pud has a couple of different definitions. And under the assumption that Apple was going with the “male genitalia” meaning, women showed up in droves to Apple stores across the country. While this meant that Apple store employees were surrounded by chicks for the first time in their lives, it also turned into a marketing nightmare once it was learned that Apple conceived the product for pud as in, “a lazy or very weak person.” The device was built to deliver continuous motivational quotes, speeches and songs to those needing a bit of a lift in life. After the major decline in sales, the product will be scrapped only to be collected by hipsters who claim they are purchasing the iPud to be “ironic.”
2. Kanye West will interrupt Bounty’s speech at the 2011 Paper Towel Awards claiming that “Brawny has one of the best paper towels of all time.”
Kanye just can’t help himself and nobody else will invite him to their award’s programs. While Bounty reps were trying to deliver their speech for “Best Quality Paper Towels of 2011,” Kanye jumped on stage claiming his love for Brawny saying, “That flannel wearing homeboy makes a paper towel that strong enough for any spill, spill, spa-illlll.”
3. Due to the NFL lockout, chicken wing sales plummet.
Yes, chicken wings are delicious enough to eat anytime. However, the complete misery of no professional football will permeate so strongly that people will simply not have the spirit to order that heavenly basket of chicken goodness.
4. The best selling albums of the year will be a neck and neck race between another posthumous Tupcac release and another Beatles re-release collection.
Tupac can’t be stopped and apparently consumers want nothing more than Beatles albums that have experienced slight mastering manipulation.
5. Soccer will continue to bore Americans.
What? We like exciting sports. We like scoring and hitting. I can’t help it if soccer still isn’t going to catch on in the U.S. Just think though, there will always be a bastion for mediocre athletes as long as there are soccer leagues.
6. Nissan will invent a car that runs on happy thoughts and will only emit feelings of self righteousness. It will be called the Nissan Pious.
Yes, continue feeling that you are better than us petroleum users. Apparently a vehicle feature of the Pious will be a continued pat on the back.
7. The 80s throwback movement will continue and kids will by tying bandannas around their legs until one kid ties his too tight, cutting off circulation and prompting amputation . . . yep, the ol’ one kid ruining it for everyone scenario.
Really, what can you do? There’s a price for being fashionable.
8. The Jaguars will continue to defy national odds and not experience a single blackout by promising more stadium Skynyrd and creating the “Flood Zone” in the North End Zone where fans will be able to purchase beers so large, they can submerge their entire body in it.
It’s not going to hurt either that the Jaguars will kick ass and take the stamp of Division Champs off of Peyton’s humongous forehead.
9. There will be talk of expanding the JTA Skyway.
Yep, just talk.
10. In a bid to get some news, Tampa, as another coastal city, will call Jacksonville out as “The Worst Coast,” instead of “The First Coast.”
And Jacksonville will be like, “Ooooo, no you didn’t.” And then it will just kind of fizzle out and go away.