Sorority Row

by Rick Grant
Grade: D / Rated R / 101 min
Moronic and formulaic, this blood, sweat, and boobs teen slasher film panders to the pubescent scare market. The premise suggests that parents send their daughters to college to learn to be mature women. So, they join a sorority for learning sisterhood and sophistication.
Ah yes, but these bimbos give higher education a bad name with their primping, partying, and sexploits. They have wild parties and bang any drunk guy that comes along. Catty and bitchy, these obnoxious college girls give parents nightmares.
When a gaggle of sorority sisters decide to teach a boy a lesson, they carry out a prank that goes terribly wrong. The girl pretending to be dead is actually killed by the guy they’re punking. The girls go ballistic.
Now, they have to decide what to do. Doing the right thing never occurs to most of the group. So, they dump the poor girl’s body down a well and go back to the party as if nothing happened.
Cut to graduation, as the girls get on with their lives. Back at the sorority house as an after graduation party is being planned, the killer sisters get a text and photo that depicts the murder. Of course, this sets off serious paranoia among the homicide hos. They see their future in orange jump suits as some bull dyke’s bitch.
One of the dumb sisters tells her boyfriend about the murder and this sets off a series of grizzly murders of the sisters involved in the murder. Enter the hooded stranger to pick off each killer sister one by one.
After experiencing these girls scheming, screaming, and rationalizations, the jaded viewer will pull for the killer to act quickly to terminate these girls with extreme prejudice. But then the movie would be over.
Directed by Stewart Handler, and written from a software model, every scene is cliche, stolen from umpteen other slasher films. These films continue to be made for two reasons: First, it’s a stage for up and coming ingenues and Hollywood royalty’s offspring, like Rumer Willis (Bruce’s daughter). Second, there is a thriving market of teens for this genre.
The thing is, teenage girls flock to see the latest slasher film not knowing their history. They just want to scream to blow off steam. The characters are all spoiled rich bitches who are self-absorbed and frivolous.
If these fictional characters are examples of today’s college girls, then parents spending big bucks to send their daughters to college will be horrified. But, relax, they won’t see the film, so it’s okay. Clearly, though, these characters are absurd examples of today’s young women. If not, then the future will be bleak for these twisted sisters.
One wonders why Carrie Fisher decided to appear in this film as the shotgun toting sorority house mother. Clearly, she has let herself go and looks terrible. But, it doesn’t take long for the killer to get rid of her so the audience doesn’t have to look at her any longer.
The one thing that perhaps saves this picture from the dumper is its surprising droll humor, which makes fun of the genre. Still, this scenario depicting busty girls in jeopardy, running from a sadistic killer, is as old as Hollywood, and just as cliche.