by Rick Grant
Grade: C / Rated PG-13 / 118 min
Part James Bond part Star Wars underwater, this flashy overblown comic book fantasy features the latest future CGI effects with lame dialogue. Aimed at 12 to 15 year old boys, the script is laughable, but the action is non-stop with enough female cleavage to sink the Titanic.
Yes, the Joes, as General Hawk (Dennis Quaid) calls his elite secret special ops soldiers, are kickass futuristic troops who battle corrupt arms dealer Destroy and the threat from the mysterious Cobra organization. This team uses amazing new technology not known by the regular military. The Joes operate from a top secret underground complex called The Pit.
A Scottish weapons dealer who runs his company called MARS, has developed a secret weapon which, when weaponized, releases millions of nano-bugs that consume everything in their path, including steel, concrete, or flesh. This is a weapon of mass destruction. He wants to sell it to the United States but he has nefarious plans for his fiendish invention. MARS sells to all sides unless some country wants to make it worth their while to stay exclusive.
Co-writer/director, Stephen Sommers shot most of this film against blue screen with a minimal script, allowing for the brain numbing special effects, which are spectacular. However, the dialogue is sophomoric and funny. A cheesy romance is thrown in to get the adolescent boys aroused, but nothing to warrant a R rating.
Jonathan Price plays the President of The United States who is interested in the MARS nano-bugs. The Cobras are planning something big, but General Hawk has enough on his hands dealing with the MARS mercenaries who are injected with a drug that makes them feel no pain and completely obedient to their unit.
When two Special Forces soldiers are tasked with baby sitting a case holding the nano-bugs, they are attacked by the MARS troops and they see for the first time the advanced technology that the G.I. Joes have at their command. The Joes intervene and take the two soldiers back to The Pit, where General Hawk recruits them to work for the Joes.
As in James Bond movies, the villains in this film are hell bent on world domination. The Joes are our country’s front line of defense. During the course of the story, the nano-bugs get weaponized and the MARS forces manage to attack Paris and the Eiffel Tower is partially eaten by the nano-bugs and collapses before the Joes stop the little munchkins.
Yes, the story is ridiculous, but the action creates adrenalin overload for the viewers. Time and again, special effects movies have proved that audiences will flock to see them despite poorly written scripts.
Let’s face it dialogue just gets in the way of the Joes accomplishing their mission. Busty broads and hunky actors sell the tickets to the youth market and the CGI effects keeps them glued to the seats.
Overall, I was wowed by the nifty new technology, especially the advanced holograms that allowed the head of MARS to be in his undersea complex and appear with various heads of state. Aye, grab a Guinness and let’s rock. Those Joes are an awesome force to behold.
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