notes from a bachelor pad

by troy spurlin
I have always envied residential painters. They make great money and their drinking doesn’t seem to interfere with the job! Lucky bastards. So with the holidays nipping at our heels and without a whole lot of money in our pocket I thought it the right time to officially announce the “First Annual Bachelor Pad Picks: Colors For Dudes!” C’mon man, you know those walls need painting! I have selected masculine, sexy, rich, warm colors guaranteed to get her juices flowing. Besides, I have done all the homework. All you have to do is grab a bottle of “Rogue” Beer (I like the 22 ounce bottles) and figure out what color suits you best. All of the colors I have selected are from Benjamin Moore but you can go with whatever paint company you like and can afford. For a little more money but with a direct nod to the environment, I am hoping a few of you will buy low VOC paint (look it up) and just have it matched to the color I have listed. Oh, and one more thing. Don’t be a wuss. Women love color!

Is there anything hotter than red? Just ask Betty Page’s lips. But red, my man, is hard. Some are too pink, some are too purple-y, some are too bright, some are too much. There is but one choice:
Caliente (AURA) – Dude, this color is smoking hot! The perfect masculine sexy red. Tried and true.

Alyssa Milano’s eyes, the UPS truck, the Rogue beer you should be drinking. Brother…Brown is hot! Mix it with yellow, orange, red, green or white. It’s all good.
North Creek Brown – The color is a sexy bronze brown just like Pam Grier’s cleavage in Foxy Brown – it kicks some serious ass and leaves you wanting more!
Tudor Brown – You know that Peterbrooke Chocolate Fountain? She likes it, right??!! Riiiiiiiiight.

The first word that pops to mind is environment, but that ain’t happening here man. I’m thinking Al Green’s hit ‘Let’s Stay Together’ – that’s the Green I’m talking about. Mix it with natural colored woods, throw in a little creaminess and a whole lot of polished chrome.
Barrington Green – It’s a great olive green. Very Mad Men!
Creekside Green – The perfect sage green for the dude that needs his house to say, “Calm the f*ck down!”

What crayon did you use when you made the sun? And then what color crayon did you use when you violently scribbled over the entire paper? That’s right fellow troubled brethren, black will be a great accent color in your new yellow room.
Midday – Do this in high gloss, man. Then with black get all Jackson Pollock on its ass!
Abstracta – Definitely a guy’s guy yellow – whatever that means?! Very mid-century, Eames era color.

I thought pink was for girls and blue was for boys. And that’s true. For children. But as an adult, they are both chick colors. I mean, I love the color blue but find it completely weird in a single guy’s house. Don’t do it man.

For the fearless dude, the goth dude, the depressed dude, or the artsy dude. Black does it all!!
Onyx – Paint the whole room, even the woodwork. “Decorator dude, crown moulding and wood work should be white.” STFU.
Blacktop – Okay, okay…keep the woodwork white but do the walls in this – yes, it is quite different from Onyx.

The most popular color this season. Like oysters?
Nantucket Gray – The perfect grey suit for the home, without the “get the stick outta your ass” attitude.
Edgecomb Gray – When you want the walls white but still want to get laid.
Red, Brown, Green, Yellow, Not Blue, Black, or Gray. That’s the Fall 2008 color picks for the bachelor pad. Now, with your Rogue beer in hand reach for that paint brush (helpful hint: buy a “Purdy” brush, they cost a little more but are well worth it) and change your life! Color really is transformational, man. Now go put some color on that wall! Bravely fighting the status quo with fearless style…

About EU Jacksonville

october, 2021