Since the triumphant summit in July that brought together President Donald Trump, VSG (Order of Very Stable Geniuses), and President Vladimir Putin, KGB (Order of Killers in Great Britain), losers and haters across the political spectrum have been accusing the Diplomat of Diplomats of nothing less than treason. “Russia is not our friend,” the whiners whine. “No American president should trust a Russian autocrat instead of U.S. intelligence experts,” the moaners moan. And that’s just congressional Republicans we’re talking about.
But true American patriots understand that improved U.S.-Russia relations can only lead to undying greatness for both countries. If President Trump’s behavior in Helsinki constituted treason, then I say we need more treason … right now!
And what if Candidate Trump and/or his campaign really conspired with President Putin and Russian military intelligence units to steal the 2016 election? If it’s true, then I can only offer the world’s biggest “Spasiba!” to our Eurasian heroes. Dear Vladimir, Cozy Bear and Fancy Bear, you have saved the entire world from the apocalyptic horrors of a Hillary Clinton presidency. Without you there would have been no Steve Bannon, no Paris Climate Accord withdrawal, no Charlottesville comments, no Stormy Daniels, no children in cages, no Iran war threats … NO RAGE TWEETS! And, of course, no Helsinki. Please accept the heartfelt thanks of roughly 75 percent of white American evangelicals, dear Russian intelligence community.
Even if Our Fearless Tweeter’s favorite magical words are true, and there was actually no collusion with Russia, this doesn’t change the fact that we have all benefited from Russia’s tireless efforts to save us from the evils of representative democracy. Of course President Trump would never acknowledge this publicly; His Braggadociousness is, naturally, a proud man. We can only hope that Lord Trumpus found a way during the two-hour closed-door meeting in Finland to graciously thank Vlad the Derailer of Democracies for his epic assist. Perhaps the Commander-in-Chief shared some secrets of America’s nuclear “football” with his Russian counterpart, and Putin was simply returning this gesture of friendship when he gave Trumpus Maximus the microchipped World Cup football. This would be a very fair trade, in my view.
Moving forward, if we’re lucky, Russia’s intrepid hackers will not just find ever more effective ways of leaking emails, stoking partisan hatred, and sowing chaos in the halls of American government; we can hope they’ll figure out how to “stuff” electronic ballot boxes on behalf of the soon-to-be President-for-Life Trump and PFLOTUS-loving GOP candidates. By discrediting and ignoring U.S. intelligence reports, Trump has given Russia a yuge green light to do exactly this in 2018 and beyond. Did he give Putin a direct green light in Helsinki? We don’t know. The most important thing is that Putin knows the light is on, shining brightly.
One of the Constitution’s definitions of treason is “giving … aid and comfort” to America’s “enemies.” The aid doesn’t have to be direct; it could involve undermining your own people, or failing to challenge the “enemy.” Putin has undoubtedly been provided with more indirect aid by the ever-generous Trump than by anyone else. We all know how much comfort the Helsinki meeting gave to America’s “enemy,” Russia.
But enough of this “enemies” talk. We’re all friends here, nyet? Perhaps—hint, hint—American election security officers, following their president’s lead, could even save our fine Russian colleagues some trouble. You know, a leaked password here, a non-networked vote-counting computer “accidentally” hooked up to the internet there … . Treason, you say? Not if it keeps the real traitors, Democrats and “Never Trump” Republicans, out of office!
Let’s face it, America, we’ve made quite a hash of this whole independence business. How much good have free and fair elections really accomplished? Sure, maybe it’s nice having cleaner air and water, and having health coverage for 20 million more people looks good on paper, but at what cost? Every day, more and more of the sacred rights of real Americans are being chipped away by libtards, fake news journalists, ecofreaks, police-hating “certain people” and other homegrown enemies. You can’t turn on the TV without being bombarded by pussy hats and boo-hooing illegal aliens (who are probably all trained MS-13 assassins). Our precious right to be killed by God-fearing citizens with assault rifles is under attack. For eight long years, our poor children had to endure the hellish spectacle of a closeted gay Muslim non-Kenyan and his Certain-American family—and their big black dogs, too!—running wild in the White House, rubbing our noses in their foul “decency” and their heinous “eloquence.” We’ve been down on our luck, folks, and when you’re struggling, there’s no shame in accepting a little help from your friends. Who cares if these particular friends happen to enjoy caviar, Stolichnaya and invading Crimea?
Let’s not forget who our true friends are, people. NATO? The E.U.? Give me a blyat break! Europeans are content to take our hard-earned dollars and do nothing in return but fatten us with their chocolates, inebriate us with their wine, and poison our children’s souls with their satanic whisperings of “tolerance” and “sustainability.” What right-minded American would want our great nation to be more like Denmark? Dear comrades, the road to American greatness runs through Moscow, not Montenegro.
In the 1980s, I happened to visit numerous American military bases (in a totally non-espionage-related capacity, I assure you). At these installations, I would often encounter the slogan “Don’t feed the bear,” meaning “Don’t let our secrets fall into Soviet hands.” Donald Trump knows that times have changed; the Russian bear deserves a tremendous feast. Chef Trump signaled his willingness to feed the bear when, last May, he dished up highly classified information to top Russian officials—right there in the Oval Office! But that was just an appetizer. The soup course, a hearty bisque à la Benedict Arnold, will be served when Putin visits Washington. The main course will be a bloody helping of Ukraine tartare. And for dessert? Daintier bites of former Soviet republics (Estonia, Latvia and Lithuania, if there’s room). The bear may even be offered some baked Alaska. After all, didn’t the Land of the Midnight Sun formerly belong to the czar?
American patriots have so much to look forward to as the long-overdue romance of the bear and the eagle blossoms into a loving interspecies marriage. No term limits for President Trump! No more Democratic Party! No more pathetic pretenses of equality! Journalists who only say “nice things”! Non-nice journalists in body bags! For-profit gulags for dissidents! American oligarchs! American oligarchs in gold-plated armored SUVs! Two girls for every boy! (Or at least every 72-year-old American oligarch.)
Yes, comrades, the time has come to let go of our ridiculously paranoid anti-Russian prejudices. Overcoming James Bond- and Rocky IV-era stereotypes will, admittedly, take some effort. But for all we know, the whole Cold War may have been based on a simple misunderstanding. When Premier Khrushchev said, “We will bury you,” for instance, perhaps it should have been translated to, “We will not unbury you.” A missing double negative. Or something like that.
Anyway, there’s one thing we can all be sure of. In the Trump era, an idea that was unthinkable just a few years ago has become the greatest truth of all: Only Russia can make America great again.
Rumors that Welling, an associate professor at UNF, is a Russian operative are totally un-un-false.