Since joining Twitter in April, San Marco Train has earned the ire of an audience far from the standstill in San Marco. No matter how slowly it moves, San Marco Train seems to beat Northeast Floridians to the crossing all the livelong day. The list of locals who have succumbed to the loquacious locomotive is as long as the 5 o'clock train.
As Folio Weekly owns the right-of-way to irreverence in the 904, and San Marco Train has parked its "resplendent"-its word, not ours-caboose right in the middle of our turf, we monitored the situation from a safe distance on the Northbank, where the Train could not keep us from press conferences, laser light shows and handbell choir performances. For a time, we were content to watch from the roadside as the Train inched ever so slowly into the collective view. Truth be told, some of us delighted in the audacity of the "Train: Make America Late Again @SanMarcoTrain #MALA" signs placed at its infamous crossings, and took a perverse sort of pleasure in the Twitter battles inspired by the forced stillness which characterizes trips to San Marco.
But eventually we reached an impasse. First the Train declared war on FW, accusing us of the theft of its signs and of owning Scarface posters. Then it came after the editor. This was a bridge too far. The crossing had come down. We could no longer idle silently as the Train delighted in making the people of San Marco miss meetings, lunch dates, birthdays, kickoffs, colonoscopies, happy hours and children's recitals. It was time for action.
Utilizing sleuthing skills honed over years covering sneaks, cheats and, slipperiest of all, hipsters, we tracked down the Train wreaking truancy across San Marco and beyond. The Train was at once receptive and evasive. Patience paid off and the Train permitted our inspection of its machinations on the condition that we not disclose the location of the interview. We can say that it was conducted during rush hour somewhere along its daily track.
FW: Why did you join Twitter?
San Marco Train: It's where the people of San Marco post their most egregious criticisms of the most elegant and resplendent train.
Are there others like you?
The movement, which is predicated on lack of movement, is growing. We're all locomotivated to grow the cause.
Why do you insist on Making America Late Again?
San Marco is a beautiful neighborhood. We're giving people more time to enjoy it.
Should people be grateful to you?
We think so. Bold Bean is in a kerfuffle over parking. Our mission is to turn San Marco into a parking lot. Problem solved.
Some have suggested that your prowess at creating lateness is second only to Main Street Bridge. What do you say to that?
That's our Jill Stein.
What's your best side?
The slowest one.
Crowning achievement of cunctation?
When we happen to coincide with the school buses of San Marco. We work in tandem. Because you have to stop. It's the law. Also, whenever we stop Melissa Ross from selling tote bags.
Is there one that got away?
The Great Train Robbery would have been fully absconding with our signs. By working overtime inconveniencing the people of San Marco, we were able to afford new signs.
When will your mission be fulfilled?
The day San Marco residents finally acknowledge resistance is futile.
What's your take on high-speed trains?
What's the point?
Steam, coal or electric?
We run on honked horns, screamed expletives and the frustration of the people of San Marco, which is the greenest, greenest source. So you're welcome, San Marco. Here's your inconvenient truth.
What's your response to the people who cut around you by taking the bridge?
We'll find you.
What's your favorite song?
"The Waiting" by Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers
Skyway-friend or foe?
Once they start delaying more, we can start engaging them in the Make America Late Again conversation. Frankly, they're too efficient for our tastes.