The events section of Facebook is a crowded and bizarre place. It's like that corkboard at college that people use to advertise movie nights and job fairs, but whacked out on meth. One second you're looking at an event for kilt night at the local pub and the next you're being invited to the local community health fair.
While digging through the events trash heap, a few needles in the Facebook haystack are surely just waiting to be found. Just like curds separating from whey or your racist uncle saying something stupid at Thanksgiving, it was inevitable. So, fortunately-or unfortunately-a handful of curds floated to the top.
At the top of the hour on October 6th we have the Senator Ted Cruz & Congressman Ron DeSantis Texas BBQ at Sawgrass Country Club. It shouldn't be too hard to spot with all of the old white dudes who will inevitably be in attendance. Legend says that when the light hits them just right, it bounces off their skin and refracts into the atmosphere creating an off-white aurora borealis. Or, you can just follow the train of jacked-up trucks sporting Confederate flags as they make their way there.
If watching politicians and closet-KKK members eat barbecue isn't really your thing, head up to Jekyll Island on the 7th for Jekyll Island Corgi Beach Day. With a costume parade, a race and a trick contest, Corgi Beach Day is gearing up to be the place to be-Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show be damned. Besides, just imagine the majesty of watching a herd of corgis stampede across a beach. While you're imagining that, also imagine the Chariots of Fire or Rocky training music playing while it happens-it's okay to cry, beautiful things can have that effect on people.
Skip forward a week and take a step back in time with the 90s Block Party on the 13th. Take a break from ol' Donny T's Twitter feed and look back on the brighter days of Bill Clinton and mood rings. Don't forget to dig out your G-Shock watch you hid in the closet-right next your copy of Hackers-bleach your hair and throw on a pair of Zubas. And bonus points if you still have that one multicolored windbreaker to tie around your waist.
On the 14th, the day has already been planned out for you. Head on down to Fletcher Park in the morning for the 2017 Family Pet Fair & Blessing of the Pets. What better way to make sure that Fido has some afterlife insurance than to have him blessed by a priest? Once the pup inevitably kicks the bucket, it's reassuring to know that he gets to take a leak on that big fire hydrant in the sky.
Then, as the evening rolls around, we have what may be the event of the season. The crème de la crème, if you will. If someone were to tell you that Smash Mouth was going to be at the Jax Beach Oktoberfest on the 14th, you may say, "HEY! That's probably the best news I've heard all year!" Well, if you did say that, you're half right and half wrong. The concert is just a formality. What you're really there for is the Come to the Smash Mouth Concert Dressed as Shrek event. Five hundred bucks goes to the best dressed, plus you get to see a Smash Mouth concert. Don't lie and say you don't like Smash Mouth. It's like people saying they don't pick their noses. You do it. And everyone knows you do, too.