5 Reasons for the Drought and the WILDFIRES

…that are definitely NOT climate change or global warming


Today Gov. Rick Scott, he who bears an uncanny resemblance to a hairless cat, officially declared a state of emergency based on the increase of wildfires around Florida. As of April 4, 42 percent of the state was in a drought, according to The Weather Channel, which also reports that 68,000 acres have burnt since February and that there are currently more than 100 active wildfires across the state.

Y’all may recall a few local scorchers, including a pernicious blaze spanning nearly 700 acres in Bryceville last month that started when some throwback to the McCarthy Era (not really) was burning books in his yard (yes, really).

Since the 1970s, the Environmental Protection Agency reports that the length and intensity of droughts has increased worldwide, particularly in the tropics and subtropics. (Seems the Trump Administration hasn’t dumpstered all their work yet. We were surprised too.)

Life moves pretty fast these days, but your friend Folio Weekly remembers way back in 2015 when Gov. Scott decreed that no employee of his shall evah dare utter, write, type, think, whisper or dream these vile terms: global warming and climate change. (Y’know, sometimes it’s like he wants us to mock him.)

Today’s news presents an interesting pickle for ol’ Voldemort: How to acknowledge the drought without blaming um, er, the weather? Well, we’re here for you, Mr. Governor Man.

5 Reasons for the Drought and Wildfires that are 100 percent, absolutely, definitely not climate change or global warming

  1. Kenny Loggins is coming to Florida. Not ‘til October, and just for one show, but the crooner who brought us the theme song for one of Scott’s fave movies, Top Gun, is sure to heat things up on the assisted living circuit!
  2. DJ Govvy Gov is opening up for the Bob Roberts Society Band. In 2011, our peeps at the Miami New Times unearthed classic footage of Scott as his alter ego, DJ Govvy Gov, perfectly executing an incredibly graceful Straight Leg Scorpion (read: human embodiment of Gumby busting an awkward Cupid Shuffle). Click here if you dare. Warning: You'll never unsee this. Or this
  3. Obama did it.                                                                                                                     
  4. Floridians eat too much spicy food. Ain’t nobody coming between Northeast Florida and our datil peppers. Nuh-uh.  
  5. Charlie Crist’s fan is blowing all the rain clouds away. You thought we forgot #fangate, didn’t ya? Nope, NEVER.  
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