On August 3 our frenemies at the The Florida TImes Union revealed that Jerome Maurice Hayes spent 589 days in Duval County Jail for three crimes, in spite of the facts that he had pretty solid alibis for two, passed a polygraph test and repeatedly, somewhat reluctantly, told Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office detectives that his look-alike/sound-alike brother, Jermaurice Hayes, was the perpetrator.
That’s not tunnel vision, folks, it’s blindness. Makes you wonder precisely how much evidence JSO needs to admit that someone isn’t guilty.
The charges against Jerome were later dropped and he was finally released on October 17, 2014. That it took 589 days to accomplish this routine feat of legal maneuvering proves that many public defenders are keen on living up to the standard set by their boss Matt Shirk, who one former coworker describes as “exceedingly mediocre.”
To put Jerome Hayes’ experience in perspective, here is a list of things he might have done instead of spending 589 days in jail:
1. Walk across the United States three times. Several dedicated bipeds (read: whackjobs) have taken it upon themselves to find out that it takes approximately 6 months to walk 3,300 miles coast-to-coast. Wouldn’t you rather walk 9,900 miles than spend 589 days in jail?
2. Whistle “Dixie” 1,017,792 times. There are 50,889,600 seconds in 589 days, and according to this YouTube video of a redneck who filmed himself playing “I Wish I Was in Dixie” on a recorder for God only knows what purpose, it takes 50 seconds to whistle the beloved (racist) anthem of the Confederacy.
3. Complete Nineteen “30 Day” Fitness Challenges. Such as the Thirty Day Ab Challenge, Thirty Day Push Up Challenge, Thirty Day Beach Body Challenge, Thirty Day Toenail Sharpening Challenge (JK!), etc. Just think of how ripped Jerome Hayes would have been after 589 days. He’d even have nineteen days … More