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AMELIA ISLAND JAZZ FEST Wednesday, October 15
While locals can only hope to get a glimpse of “Autumn Leaves” this fall, jazz fans can enjoy four days of good music at various venues throughout Fernandina Beach. The Amelia Island Jazz …
AMERICAN SCENES Wednesday, October 15
Staci Anne Spence, 42, was hauled to jail for assault in Sandpoint, Idaho,in September, but when the squad car arrived at the station, officers learned that during the ride, she’d completely gnawed through the back seat — foam padding and seat cover. A 38-year-old man was taken, unconscious, to St. Mary’s Hospital in Rochester, Minnesota, in August. After allegedly choking his mother-in-law and refusing to cooperate with police, who used a stun gun and chemical spray on him to no effect, he dramatically KO’d himself with an empty beer bottle.
On the same day in September, Washington, D.C., and New York City made traffic-camera announcements, with Washington declaring a revenue crisis and New York saying just one speed camera in Brooklyn had earned the city $77,550 in a single day. D.C. had projected $93 million in annual camera income, but estimated it would collect only $26 million, while New York City, with fewer cameras, was marveling at the 1,551 tickets the Brooklyn camera zapped on July 7.
BUT SHE HAS A GREAT PERSONALITY Wednesday, October 15
The South American country of Venezuela, already in a recession, suffered a particularly cruel blow (according to a September Associated Press dispatch from Caracas) with a recent shortage in availability of breast implants for its beauty-obsessed senoritas. Restrictive currency controls are limiting enhancement surgeries from the 85,000 performed last year and, according to a local joke, will force Venezuelan women to start developing their personalities. However, according to leading surgeon Dr. Daniel Slobodianik, when potential patients are told their preferred size implant is back-ordered, many merely choose the next-largest available size.
NAMES IN THE NEWS Wednesday, October 15
One of the three suspects in an August arrest for making fraudulent purchases at a Jupiter, Florida, shop: Ms. Cherries Waffles Tennis, 19. The president of the Alabama Public Service Commission (who invoked prayer in July as the most effective way to fight federal restrictions on coal-fired power plants): Ms. Twinkle Andress Cavanaugh. The investigator for the Ohio state auditor’s office who was ordered by his supervisor in July to end a romantic relationship with another government official: Jim Longerbone.
NUKE THE BASTARDS! Wednesday, October 15
And other letters to the editor
RINGO STARR & HIS ALL-STAR BAND Wednesday, October 15
What can we say about a man who virtually invented rock drumming with The Beatles and starred in the 1981 cult classic comedy, Caveman? Rock fans will see an absolute musical icon when Ringo Starr …
IF I WERE KING Wednesday, October 15
Ontario’s top court rejected Bryan Teskey’s complaint in August over how Roman Catholics continue to be discriminated against by the laws of British royal succession. Even though Ontario (along with many Commonwealth countries) recently removed some aspects of bias (ending the ban on the royal family’s marrying Catholics), Teskey pointed out that Canadian Catholics still don’t have a fair shot at becoming king or queen (though Teskey did not claim that he, personally, had been a candidate).
TO THE MOON, ALICE! Wednesday, October 15
Among the suggestions of the Brisbane, Australia, company Pets Eternal for honoring a deceased pet (made to a reporter in September): keeping a whisker or tooth or lock of hair, or having the remains made into jewelry or mixed with ink to make a tattoo. Overlooked was a new project by the Houston space-flight company Celestis, known for blasting human ashes into orbit (most famously those of Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry). Celestis, working with a California company, will soon offer to shoot pets’ remains into orbit ($995) or perhaps even to the moon ($12,000).
CLEARANCE, CLARENCE Wednesday, October 15
In Londonderry, Northern Ireland, in August, Kevin Clarence, 20, was arrested for an inept attempt to rob a supermarket. He entered the store, and only then, according to witnesses, put a plastic garbage bag over his head and decided to wait in line for his opportunity to address a cashier. He quickly got tired of waiting and said, “I’ll be back,” but was caught by police minutes after leaving the store.
 
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