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JUST LIKE THE SCRIPT Wednesday, September 24
In August, a Bradenton, Florida, deputy sheriff was forced to duplicate a classic scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark when he was advanced upon by a menacing-looking, samurai-sword-swinging, 31-year-old man. The deputy, perhaps as nonplussed as Indiana Jones was, shot him dead.
OF COURSE! Wednesday, September 24
Jonathan Thomas, 50, was charged with DUI and disorderly conduct in Washington Township, Indiana, in August after driving through two backyards one Friday evening and getting his vehicle stuck in the second. Police reported that Thomas “show[ed] his teeth to officers” and later “growled” at hospital security staff. Thomas’ day job is director of the Porter County Animal Shelter.
SECONDS! Wednesday, September 24
Daniel Warn, 28, was arrested in July in Costa Mesa, California, and charged with the burglary of an El Pollo Loco restaurant — a caper captured on surveillance video. Police were notified later that day when Warn — wearing the same distinctive hat and bright green shirt worn by the burglar — came to the restaurant to order a meal.
LEAST COMPETENT CRIMINALS Wednesday, September 24
Clearwater police pulled over a “suspicious” car on July 24 and ultimately arrested the driver and his passenger. The back seat was loaded with potted plants — in fact, potted pot plants, so crowded that the leaves and branches of some plants were sticking out of the car’s windows.
ALL THAT AND CASH, TOO Wednesday, September 24
According to legal scholars consulted by the Associated Press, it’s conceivable that Nicole Diggs, of Yonkers, N.Y., even if convicted of negligent homicide in the upcoming trial in the death of her severely disabled 8-year-old daughter, could nevertheless inherit the remains of the child’s $2 million trust fund originally established for her care.
OOPSIE Wednesday, September 24
Nick Olivas, 24, is a rare American. At age 14 (an age that, in Arizona, makes him legally incapable of consenting to sex), he fathered a daughter with a 20-year-old woman — paternity he learned of only two years ago. The mother filed against Olivas for child support that now totals $15,000. Olivas is rare in that most states exempt rape victims from child-support orders — except that, since Olivas never made a police report of the incident, Arizona Child Support Services will not exempt him, and instead has obtained an order garnisheeing his wages at $380 a month.
FINE POINTS OF THE LAW Wednesday, September 24
In July, a panel of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the 6th Circuit in Detroit, ruling on a judicial corruption complaint, managed to describe the actions of a Michigan state judge, “Hon.” Wade McCree, as “often reprehensible” — in that he had been carrying on a romantic affair with a woman involved in a child custody case he was judging.
FROM OUR COLD DEAD HANDS Wednesday, September 24
As part of a nationwide distribution of surplus military equipment, 10 Texas school districts acquired a total of 64 M-16 rifles, 18 M-14s, 25 automatic pistols and magazines capable of holding 4,500 rounds of ammunition. District officials referred generally to the need to protect against school attacks such as the notorious incidents in Colorado and Connecticut, but a local Houston area police chief, seeking to reassure a nervous public, promised the equipment would be used only by tactically trained officers and that, otherwise, would be locked in the department’s armory.
UNCLEAR ON THE CONCEPT Wednesday, September 24
New Orleans Juvenile Court Judge Yolanda King, already indicted for falsifying her home address in her 2013 campaign for office, was spotted by a Times-Picayune reporter on Aug. 20 filing three registration papers for the Nov. 4 election in which she swore (under oath) to three different addresses — two of which appeared to be clearly erroneous.
JUST IN CASE Wednesday, September 24
China’s insurance companies offer some of the world’s quirkiest policies, according to a September Reuters item from Hong Kong. People’s Insurance Group, for example, will pay out in case a customer’s children display disappointingly “mischievous and destructive” habits. The Ancheng company offers a policy protecting a customer in case his mouth is burned eating “hotpot.”
 
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