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CAPRICORN: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
You are at a point in your astrological cycle when you deserve to rake in the rewards that you have been working hard to earn. I expect you to be a magnet for gifts and blessings. The favors and compliments you have doled out will be returned to you. For all the strings you have pulled on behalf of others’ dreams, strings will now be pulled for you. Halloween costume suggestion: a beaming kid hauling around a red wagon full of brightly wrapped presents.
SAGITTARIUS: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
I’ve got two possible remedies for your emotional congestion. You might also want to make these two remedies part of your Halloween shtick. The first remedy is captured by the English word “lalochezia.” It refers to a catharsis that comes from uttering profane language. The second remedy is contained in the word “tarantism.”
SCORPIO: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
In AMC’s famous TV drama, a high school chemistry teacher responds to his awful luck by turning to a life of crime. The show’s title, Breaking Bad, refers to what happens when a good person cracks and veers over to the dark side. So then what does “breaking good” mean? Urbandictionary.com defines it like this: “When a criminal, junkie, or gang-banger gets sweet and sparkly, going to church, volunteering at soup kitchens, and picking the kids up from school.”
LIBRA: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
“The egromenious hilarity of psychadisical melarmy, whether rooted in a lissome stretch or a lusty wobble, soon defisterates into crabolious stompability. So why not be graffenbent?” So said Noah’s ex-wife Joan of Arc in her interview with St. Crocodile magazine. Heed Joan’s advice, please, Libra.
VIRGO: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
Our evolutionary ancestors Homo erectus loved to eat delicious antelope brains. The fossil evidence is all over their old stomping grounds in East Africa. Scientists say that this delicacy, so rich in nutrients, helped our forbears build bigger, stronger brains themselves. These days it’s harder but not impossible to make animal brains part of your diet.
LEO: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
This is one of those rare times when it’s OK for you to just throw out the dirty dishes that you are too lazy to wash. It’s also permissible to hide from a difficult person, spend money on a supposedly foolish indulgence, binge-watch a TV show that provokes six months’ worth of emotions in a few hours, and lie in bed for an extra hour fantasizing about sex with a forbidden partner.
CANCER: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
Native American hero Sitting Bull (1831-1890) was a renowned Lakota chief and holy man. He led his people in their resistance to the U.S. occupation of their land. How did he become so strong and wise? In large part through the efforts of his doting mother, whose name was Her-Holy-Door. Let’s install her as your exemplar for now.
ARIES: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
If you live in Gaza, you don’t have easy access to Kentucky Fried Chicken. The closest KFC is 35 miles away in Egypt. But there was a time when you could pay smugglers to bring it to you via underground tunnel. Each delivery took four hours and required the help of two taxis, a handcart and a motorbike.
GEMINI: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
In an episode of the animated sci-fi TV sitcom Futurama, Leela, the mutant spaceship captain, develops an odd boil on her hindquarters. It has a face and can sing. The actor who provides the vocals for the animated boil’s outpouring of song is Gemini comedian Craig Ferguson, whose main gig is serving as host of a late-night TV talk show on CBS. Telling you this tale is my way of suggesting that you consider going outside your usual niche, as Craig Ferguson did, to offer your talents in a different context.
TAURUS: Oct. 29-Nov. 4 Wednesday, October 29
It’s urgent that you expand your options. Your freedom of choice can’t lead you to where you need to go until you have more possibilities to choose from. In fact, you’re better off not making a decision until you have a wider selection.
 
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